I spuddle.

So here’s what happened:  I went on a diet.   And in the first week, I lost five pounds.   Five pounds!   Out of ten that I wanted to lose!   It was only going to take two weeks!   I was elated!   AND ALSO SMUG!   Look how easy!

And then…

Then…

I don’t even know.   It all came rushing back to me, all those diets I was always on when I was in my late teens and how they just bloody don’t work, do they?   In the second week, NOT CHEATING EVEN ONE TIME, I gained three pounds.   In the third week, this week, I stabilized.   Today I ate a cookie.   I mean, COME ON.   I can weigh the same AND eat cookies.   I’ve been eating a cookie every day for my entire adult life and have weighed the same.   A cookie does not change things.

But…

I’m sure not going to weigh myself tomorrow.    Have I mentioned how much I hate scales?  I do.   I hate them.   You should throw yours out.   I can’t.   I mean, I HAVE.   But then I have to buy a new one, so that’s just environmentally unfriendly.    Instead of worrying about the number, I am trying on my clothes which should be magically becoming larger than I am, yet this is not working.

Honestly, how vapid do I sound?   I should stop typing.   And I’m still doing it.    Maybe I’ll delete this later!   Yes, that’s it.   Then I will perform magical blog hypnosis so you all forget that time that I went on a diet and WOULD.  NOT.  SHUT.   UP.   ABOUT.   IT.

On the plus side, I have been working out every single day except for today when I was GOING to work out but then I had to tidy the house and then I ate a HUGE dinner and oops, that wasn’t on my diet either, and then I was too tired to work out and it’s unbelievable how bloated I feel and probably I GAINED THAT TWO POUNDS BACK ANYWAY.

Oh, lawd.   No more dieting for me.   Yet I’m not going to buy bigger pants.   I refuse.    So I guess I’ll keep trying.   But I won’t use the word “diet”.   I think that the word “diet” actually creates a backlash inside your fat cells that causes them to multiply like the zombie rabbits at UVic, which is to say, “quickly”.   And now I’m turning into the kind of person who blogs about weight loss AND The Bachelorette and yes, OK, fine, I DID tape Bachelor Pad but I haven’t watched it yet and I’m not going to blog it, I’m going to start blogging about more intelligent things, like poetry and Moby Dick, even though I loathed Moby Dick.  I thought it was desperately in need of a good editor.

Much like me.

In unrelated news, I have a new website over in the part of my world where I frolic around outside of the shallow end and use better metaphors than I do here.    It’s at karenrivers.com.   Check it out and let me know what you think.   I call it “seventies groovy disco chick roller skates writer site”.    Or something like that.

Actually, I mostly just call it “home”.

Filed under: The Ten Pound Project