I spuddle.

I was sitting here, mentally preparing for yet another camping trip — one that I’d ACTUALLY been looking forward to but which has changed at the last minute to be one that I’d rather miss in favour of cranial surgery — when I suddenly realized that I forgot — FORGOT!!!! — to blog the finale of The Bachelorette.   I’m not sure what this says about me (“I’m a less-than-devoted-blogger-of-The-Bachelorette!”) or this season (“Ali is the dullest bachelorette ever!”) but either way, I hang my head in shame.   Please forgive me, spuddlers.   I know not what I do.

So here I am and I DID watch the show but it was late at night and I had to fast forward through the parts with Ali’s family because they were so painfully uninteresting and I really just wanted someone to push someone else into the water — and OH THE WATER — how much do I want to go to Bora Bora?  HOW MUCH?   SO MUCH.   Dear Tourism Board of Bora Bora:  I will blog EVERY SECOND OF MY STAY ON YOUR ISLAND if you send me tickets and provide me with food and lodging.   And babysitting.   Please, Bora Bora.   PLEASE.   Yours sincerely, Karen.

Where was I?  Where am I?  Oh, that’s right, on my couch, preparing for the hellfires of camping (actually there’s a fire ban, so there won’t be any fires, but let’s just pretend for the sake of dramatic argument, mkay?) and blogging the finale of The Bachelorette.   You know how in war movies, the soldiers are always dragging themselves through the dirt under low-slung barbed wire (why don’t they go AROUND?)?  That’s how I feel writing this recap.  But why?  I don’t know.   Crawl, crawl, crawl.   [spits dirt out of mouth] [sighs]

So Chris and Roberto and Ali went to Bora Bora which is beautiful but isn’t it also in Tahiti where they already were?  I got confused and spent the first fifteen minutes pondering why they didn’t just say they went elsewhere in Tahiti, then I lost interest.   Ali and Roberto are up first and they have a prolonged date with sand and kissing and Roberto stuttering about opening up and walls coming down and maybe falling in love and being a better man (THANKS FOR THAT, JACK NICHOLSON!) (seriously, that movie provided more lines for people-unable-to-come-up-with-their-own than even that dumb Tom Cruise “You complete me!” nonsense).   (Hey, maybe people fall into one of two camps, they either “want to be a better man” or they are all “You complete me!”  Probably an entire personality test could be built around this, but not by me.  Because I am lazy.   And I have a headache.)   OK, now I’ve lost track of that sentence.   No matter, it RAINS and it’s a MIRACLE!   Except they are in the tropics where it rains all the time and there’s a name for this but I’ve forgotten what it is, but yeah, it was RAIN.   The fact that they were so enraptured by the rain caused me to conclude that indeed ROBERTO IS THE WINNER!

Which proved to be right because even after the awkward WASP-y meeting with Ali’s parents in which they pretended to be happy that Ali was going to pick Roberto by practicing their awkward Spanish on him, it was pretty obvious that Ali had already chosen.

Made more obvious by the fact that she showed up at Chris’ place and dumped him resoundingly, so startling him that he actually imploded.   Or, he was happy, because now he gets to be The Bachelor!   Either way, there was a RAINBOW which means that his mom is happy OR it means that much like there is frequently rain in the tropics, there is also frequently rainbows.   In any event, who am I to be cynical about the symbolism of rainbows?   ‘zactly.

Why I typed ‘zactly instead of EXACTLY remains a mystery.  If I didn’t have any mysteries, you’d probably stop reading and then I might cease entirely to exist!   Poof!   GONE.   JUST LIKE MY ENTIRE MEMORY OF WATCHING THIS SEASON OF THE BACHELORETTE.

So who’s watching Bachelor Pad?   I would rather have my appendix removed via my left nostril, but hey, I probably will.   Because this diet isn’t really working out and almost certainly the violent nausea that I’ll experience when douchebag Wes professes his love for Gi(n)a will cure any last vestiges of needing to eat that I might have in the future.

Happy weekend, peeps!    See you next week.   Maybe.   If I can get through all this barbed wire, that is.

Filed under: The Bachelorette