I spuddle.

Obviously while Roberto was spending this season auditioning to be the next Bachelor, Frank was vying for a spot on the much trashier and more nauseating BachelorPad where the douchebags line up across from the inflated bimbos in swimsuits and then suddenly and alarmingly launch themselves into a gratuitous game of Twister.    Because, holy mother of all douchebags, I think he may have trumped Wes for Douchebag of the Century and man, I am not lying when I thought that Wes was pretty untouchable in that department.

Because FRANK, Frank pretended to be SO IN LOVE with Ali that if the producers didn’t fly in some meds for him, stat, he threatened to melt right off the screen because his GIRLFRIEND was with the other menz!   As it turns out, he meant his girlfriend Nicole back in Chicago and he was worried that she was tramping it up as much as he was.   Honestly, I don’t care.   Be in love with whoever, even if whoever seems to be a fifteen year old girl with no ability to smile.    WHATEVS.    But don’t smarm and sweat all over my screen while gnawing out your own tooth about how much you love LOVE lurve LUUUURRVVEEEE Ali because even though I’m tired of Ali and her yellow hair, it’s just altogether too much and so CONGRATULATIONS FRANK!

I’ll have a little statue made up.   You know, of a golden douchebag.   Just for you.   With an extra honour of BIGGEST HYPOCRITE OF THE SERIES because wasn’t it you, Shiny Frank, who was getting all in a twist about how Justin was ten kinds of evil for daring to have a relationship before coming on the show that maybe wasn’t entirely over?  FRANK?  I’M TALKING TO YOU, FRANK.    Hypocrisy IS the root of all evil.   Trust me.   I KNOW THESE THINGS.   Which makes you, Frank, evil.    And a hypocrite!   AND A DOUCHE BAG!   Triple win!

Now that’s out of my system, I will say that Tahiti is absolutely STUNNING and OMGZ I WANT TO GO THERE.   While we were watching, Mr.  Spuddle got tired of hearing me gasp every time I saw another thatched straw hut perched on a perfect turquoise sea and so he suggested I go there and write a book.   I’m not entirely sure what he meant by that.   Maybe he’s trying to get rid of me!   He sees an opening with Ali now that Frank has sweated his way back into a puddle on the ground, much like the Wicked Witch of the West!   He’s going to leave me for Ali!   But still… tempting.  On the other hand, I can’t afford it!  And I have several thousand children to care for!  And I don’t think for a second he was suggesting that I go to Tahiti ALONE!   I’d have the kids!  And they’d fall right into that turquoise sea on an hourly basis and probably be eaten by sharks!   So I wouldn’t get much writing done and eventually we’d go broke and die!   So maybe not, Mr. Spuddle, but thank you for offering.

So blah blah blah, anyway.   If this was the sordid sex episode, they really downplayed it because honestly I forgot that it was until it was over.   Ali and Roberto did a lot of wading around while fully dressed which did actually make me start to associate Tahiti with the word “chafing”.   But it was all very pretty and Roberto is trying VERY HARD to balance his dimpled-all-American-good-guy image with his I’m-auditioning-to-be-The-Bachelor  image.   Don’t worry, Roberto, she won’t pick you even though she DOES totally like you better.   She’s going to pick Chris because she loves his family and he’s much more of a sure thing.   SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE HURT.  People who do not want to be hurt always end up with people they don’t actually love because it is safer.   The guy with the dead mother who reveres love above all other things?   Or the hot guy who likes being on TV and whose family thinks he deserves — nay, OWES IT TO THE WORLD — to be a star?   Er, kind of a no-brainer, unless you factor in lust, and Our Ali is just burned enough now by Frank The Moist Faced Deceiver that she’s going to go with the safe bet.    I bet.   If I were going to bet.   Which I’m not.    Because I am almost always wrong when it comes to guessing the finale except for that time when I guessed correctly that Reid was going to reappear.    Hey, maybe FRANK will reappear, too!   Hopefully Nicole will come to her senses and realize that the sweaty guy who actually didn’t once mention his great love for her all season who lives in his parents’ basement is not the shiny prize he appears to be on the surface.  Nah, that won’t happen.   What am I saying?   They’ll get married and live happily ever after!   At least she has an apartment!  AND HE COMPLETES HER!  And she’s just young enough to steal all her romantic dialogue from corny movies!   AND ALI DOESN’T EVEN HAVE AN APARTMENT!    You win, Nicole.  NICELY PLAYED.

Next up, Chris.   I’m starting to think that as cute as Chris is and as much as I’m touched by his incessant mentioning of his dead mother, he may not be mentally intact.   He spends a lot of time staring and mumbling and just generally not appearing to be a firecracker of any sort, not that I even know what I mean by that.    He and Ali go somewhere on a boat and find a pearl in a shell which makes Ali go semi-crazed with joy and they proceed to go on a pearl frenzy and you just KNOW that those pearls are going to feature in some sort of new setting in a future episode.   I don’t know what else happens.   They have dinner and they go back to the SURPRISING FANTASY SUITE!  I really really need the producers to word that card differently in the future.   It’s IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to pretend to be surprised by it, and yet every season, the fake surprise takes me by surprise, only my fake surprise is fake, too, so it’s like a massive fake surprise about the fake surprise!   Fake surprises, FTW!

Chris Harrison at this point is exhausted because of all the free counselling he’s had to provide both to Ali and to Frank and he’s mentally negotiating a higher salary for episodes in which he has to pretend to care and at one point, I swear he actually rolls his eyes because this is NOT the most important decision you will ever make in YOUR LIFE it’s just the first step towards another relationship that will fail before you go on to meet someone NOT ON TV and continue on with your life, hoping that a good dose of hypnosis will blank out most of your memories of ABC’s entire roster of shows.

So they have  a rose ceremony anyway and I’m concerned that I wasn’t paying enough attention to comprehend WHY they were and Ali babbled about Frank’s unfinished business which made it sound like he was wanted on racketeering charges (I just like saying “racketeering”) and Roberto and Chris laughed uncomfortably because neither knew if they were supposed to care and HOLY SHIT ONE OF THEM IS EXPECTED TO PROPOSE TO HER IN ONLY TWO WEEKS TIME.   Awkward!

Next week, the stupid MEN TELL ALL episode in which Chris Harrison has to ask probing questions and really rethinks his choice of careers because Pretending To Care Deeply about these people is starting to wear on his every last nerve.

PS – Dear ABC:  You dragged out the Frank stuff for about 45 minutes too long.   FYI.   Love, A Caring Fan.

Filed under: The Bachelorette