I spuddle.

Oh, I don’t have much time today for this, which I’m sure will disappoint  the masses, or not, but how could I resist doing even a quick blog because OMG or even OMFG or OMF[insert entire alphabet here]G, TAXIDERMY!  I think the moment that Ali stepped into Kirk’s Dad’s basement actually trumped the time when Naomi’s mom held a funeral for a suicidal pigeon that she whacked with her car.  At least she had the good sense not to stuff the pigeon and insert made-to-fit glass eyeballs specially ordered from eyeballs’r'us.com into its empty, dead sockets.   So, I’m in Starbucks and it’s hard to concentrate because people keep sitting at my table.  I’m not even kidding.  There are ten empty tables in here!  DO I LOOK FRIENDLY?   Because I’m not.  For all you know, I’m a TAXIDERMIST.   I’m not, but you know what I mean.   Except I don’t even know what I mean, so good luck with that!   Just don’t SIT WITH ME.   Please!  I’m typing!  It’s like I’m working, but I’m not!  BUT I COULD BE!   Don’t make me angry!   You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!

If I haven’t already mentioned it a million times, I’d like to advise you that I seriously couldn’t care any less about this season of The Bachelorette and yet, OK, yes, FINE, I did buy US Magazine yesterday because the headline suggested that Ali and Roberto ALREADY KNEW EACH OTHER!  Gasp!  I haven’t read it yet but just by purchasing the magazine, I’m giving myself away.   Obviously I care DEEPLY about Ali’s quest for love!   Yay!  A reason to live!   Kill me, Kirk’s Dad, KILLLLLMEEEEE.   What?   Who?   What am I saying?   I must get another coffee.   You know, I boycotted Starbucks years ago due to the documentary movie Black Gold but Starbucks head office assures me that they no longer ritually abuse Ethiopian coffee farmer’s babies, so I don’t know.   I’m here.   Every sip makes me hate myself a little more.  But it’s next door to where the kids are at camp!  I can maximize my “work” time!  If by “work”, I mean “blogging about Kirk’s dad”!   Who have I become?  I HAVE A BOOK TO WRITE.

Anywho, Ali was off on the hometown visits, and correct me if I’m wrong, but Roberto doesn’t play ball anymore, right?  He sells insurance?   So I think they are maybe overplaying the whole baseball thing and on Roberto’s upcoming season of The Bachelor they will probably force him to don his uniform at least once every episode and we’ll all collectively roll our eyes so hard that there will be a rush of eye injuries to local emergency rooms that no one will be able to explain.   Except we will know.   WE WILL KNOW.    Roberto’s family love him, which is fine, they should, everyone’s family should love them, but they really have an inflated idea of what Roberto needs.   Like his father all but shook him and said, “She is not good enough for you!”  Which made me bristle defensively and then I remembered that I don’t much like Ali either.  But still, what’s so great about Roberto?   Yes, he has a dimple and yes, he played ball, but this does not make a marketing rep for Facebook below him.   She has a dimple also!  I mean, come on.   Does he still live at home?  It wasn’t mentioned but it suddenly occurred to me that ALL of these men live at home still and then I had a panic attack for no reason and had to breathe into a paper bag.   Maybe it was from laughing so hard.

Ali and Roberto do a bunch of romping merrily for the camera in baseball duds and then, whatever, suddenly she’s in Wisconsin or something and there is Kirk and whatever else happened on this episode, that taxidermy thing really stole the show.   Stole it.   There was some stuff about Chris being sad on Cape Cod in a darling little house that Ali fell in love with and then decided she loved Chris after all because EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US wanted to marry that entire family with all their belief in love and matching bracelets and miles of sandy, foggy beaches and humping whales and whatnot.    But all this was lost in the collective gasp of horror that resounded from every corner of the globe when ALI WENT TO KIRK’S DAD’S BASEMENT.

Question:   Where does Kirk’s dad get the bodies to stuff?   Does he buy them?   Or does he kill them himself?   If you live in Wisconsin, I guess you have to ask yourself:  IS YOUR PET SAFE?    Seriously, that guy is … and also, on a non-related but also related note, he has really messed up ideas about love.   What is all this thinking with your head and ignoring your heart?   He made marriage sound like a business arrangement that was depressing but necessary.   Wow, way to sell it, Kirk’s Dad!   I bet Kirk’s Step Mom is really feeling the love now.   I know I was.   Bye bye, Kirk.

Next up, Frank!    And guess what?  Frank is overthinking things, hyperventilating, and gnawing out his own teeth!  Also, I see he took my advice and bought the JCrew white scoopneck T.   It goes with everything, Frank, it really does!   Except you do know it’s a girl’s shirt, right?   I’m just saying.   Anyway, Frank’s family miss him SO MUCH except doesn’t he live in their basement?  So right before he met Ali on the pier, was he not IN THEIR BASEMENT DONNING HIS SCOOPNECK?   So why do they pretend they haven’t seen him for six weeks?   Does not compute.   But what does compute is that Frank is losing the plot.   Losing.   Losing.   Losing.   Lost.   So although I’m willing to bet that Ali would have picked Frank, had she had the choice, I’m betting that the choice will be removed when Frank overthinks so much that his brain actually implodes through the black hole where his tooth formerly resided.

Next week, the sordid sex week!   I can’t decide which of these two weeks makes me more uncomfortable.   The family week is always painful but the sex week, well, just awkward and embarrassing to watch.   See you then!   Tahiti, FTW!

Filed under: The Bachelorette