I spuddle.

I hate blogging The Bachelorette right after blogging a previous episode of The Bachelorette with nothing in between because it makes me feel like I’m a person who blogs The Bachelorette and has nothing else going on and I swear, I DO have other things going on (some of which are still SECRETS) but apparently they have not been interesting enough to mention on my blog.  Oh wellz.   Did I tell you that this morning The Bun called me “Treasure Wrinkle”?  Is that some kind of a loving nickname?  Because I’ll be honest, I like “Mummy” better.   “Treasure Wrinkle” is not that good for me or my little friend, Low Self-Esteem.

But back to the show!  I sat down to watch The Bachelorette after supper or actually during supper.    The kids were doing crafts and were exhausted so were pretty quiet until the very second that I clicked the TV on.   Apparently the remote control is also wired to the LOUD button in their brains and they immediately commenced playing a game in the kitchen called “Spinny Winny” that involved hitting each other and screaming loudly while turning in dizzying circles and shrieking.   Needless to say, the first half of this episode was kind of confusing to me.   We can pretend it’s because I couldn’t hear a damn thing but maybe it’s because even the producers are so depressed by this trainwreck of testosterone and idiocy that they can’t be bothered to piece together a cohesive program.

The show opened with Frank getting a one-on-one date.   His face shone with excitement.   Is it just me or is he missing all his teeth beyond the front four?    There is something about his mouth when he smiles that makes it look like a dark cavern of space awaiting a dental plan.   Maybe he could buy some dentures from Craig M.   Canadian teeth are probably cheaper then American teeth although doubtlessly not as white and shiny.   What?  I don’t know either, that was funny in my head before I typed it but even I realize that it was both a cheap shot and not even funny.  MUCH LIKE THIS SHOW.

So anyway, there’s an old convertible and those two zany kids dash and leap into it like cavorting baby deer, if cavorting baby deer were excited about a car the size of my living room and as environmentally friendly as a BP tanker.    When the car beaks down, not surprisingly, on the freeway, Ali nearly loses her mind entirely.  She just can’t believe it!   HOW CAN A SIXTY YEAR OLD CAR BREAK DOWN ON A FREEWAY?   It’s SHOCKING is what it is!  HORRIFYING!  Unimaginable!   Sacre Bleu!  Zut alors!   Bonjour!  Luckily they are saved by the fact that there is a cameraman and a producer wayyyyyy back there in the back seat and a camera truck rolling ahead of them and choppers overhead.   YOU ARE NOT ALONE, ALI.    Ali and Frank gamely walk to the nearest exit, hand in hand, causing motorists so much confusion that the resulting 240 car pile-up took six hours to sweep away.   They somehow stroll right into the heart of Hollywood — they took a cab!  that was waiting there at the highway exit! — and demonstrate their compatibility by smiling cheesily for tourists.   A great deal of this show involves cheesy posing which proves once again how The Bachelorette mirrors real life.    You know how when you’re on a date and you and your date pretend to have fun and then sign autographs and pose in wacky ways for tourists and you assess your relative compatibility by having a variety of photo shoots and … oh wait, no that doesn’t really happen.   Never mind.   Either way, Ali likes this aspect of Frank’s personality, by which I think she is referring to the fact that OMG, she’s totally famous and people want her autograph!   Oh-Em-GEEEE!     Like, so weird and like, so so so awesome!

Somehow they are then spirited to the L in the Hollywood sign where they make out and eat cupcakes, or wait, where are they?  They are perched on the giant hood of the giant car, which someone has towed to a more photogenic location and now it’s dark.  Maybe I have a seizure disorder and blacked out for the middle bit which involved “sunset”.   Either way, Ali gets a good feel of Frank and IT MIGHT JUST BE LOVE.   Or maybe she just likes the way she looks reflected in the sheen of Frank’s face.

This is where things got really perplexing for me because I thought someone read a date card that suggested there was a two-man date and it involved Wee Willy Weatherman and Craig M., who is so dislikable that I’m considering revoking my Canadian citizenship and perhaps joining the small nation of Papua New Guinea.    I am wrong though because suddenly we’re in Malibu and it’s a group date and Ali is sucking in her stomach on a beach and excitedly telling the lucky fellows that they will be posing in Speedos for a calendar, which is an odd way of saying, “Instead of a date, why don’t you do some work for charity while also showing America the size of your package?”   This is a win for only the few who have a sense of humor.   Abs abound, but abs without the funny are just lumps on your stomach, if you ask me, which you didn’t, but I tell you anyway because I like to share.

There is a bunch of running on the beach, which leaves poor crutch-hobbled Justin far behind, but he gamely hops along in an effort to keep up.     FYI, “crutches” + “sand” = “Nightmare Combination”, so extra points for Justin for being a good sport, although I’d expect him to be a good sport or at least an entertaining sport because THAT IS HIS JOB.   Entertaining.   Sport.   Get it?   Oh, never mind.   I think I dropped my ability to be funny somewhere earlier this morning.   Let me know if you find it.   It might be somewhere upstairs.

Luckily, I don’t even NEED to be funny because Wee Willy Weatherman is his own punch-line.  This whole segment turns awesome-to-the-tenth-power when he — believing that we’ll all be able to measure his manhood through the Speedo — announces to America that he is UNDERENDOWED, thus trumping “Shooter” who previously held the title of Most Idiotic Thing To Announce On National TV If You Ever Hope To Not Be Publicly Mocked.

After the generally embarrassing photoshoot, the group then get to take turns talking to Ali at a “party” that actually involves the men sitting around and drinking and growing to loathe each other more with each passing moment.   Why they continue to call these “parties”, I have no idea.   Or maybe if that’s what “parties” are actually like, I’ve never been to one.   I haven’t actually been to a party in recent memory that does not involve goody bags and a bouncy castle, so what do I know?   Ali gamely interviews them each in turn, asking pressing questions like, “Do you like me?  Do you rilly rilly srsly like me?”  She is the only person I know who can actually say “seriously” out loud without the vowels.   Srsly.    Anywho, she gets a good feel for the boyz by draping herself artfully over them and posing and then licking their tonsils gently with her massive tongue, so am sure she’ll eventually suss out True Love!   I’ve heard it usually can be found in a thin filmy layer on the uvula.  Did you know that The Biggest Loser actually has a better track record of making successful matches than The Bachelor/ette franchise?  True story.    Don’t know why that just sprang to mind.

Ty gets a rose and he seems like a nice enough guy so whatever.   I like his owl necklace.  At this point I’m not even sure why I watch this show, it’s as enjoyable as that time that I accidentally threw up in a planter by the side of the road while out for an afternoon stroll.    What happened to that Chris from Cape Cod?   He was my favourite going into this week and now he seems to have entirely vanished.    He must be back at the house, quietly getting drunk and wishing he was planting a shrub somewhere back on Cape Cod.    That’s certainly what I’d be doing if I were him.

Next up, Jesse!   Jesse gets a one-on-one and he’s excited because Ali looks like the girls he dates back home.   I’m glad he sees her as someone special and unique!   That’s the kind of line that will win her heart, fo’ shizzle, and Ali decides that he’s “solid” because he’s from a small town.    Uhhhhhh.   Well, I don’t think I have to say much more but I would just like to take a small break to sing, “I WAS BORN IN A SMALL TOWN.   I WAS RAISED IN A SMALL TOWN.   PROLLY DIE IN A SMALL TOOOOWN!   YUP, THAT’S PROLLY WHERE THEY’LL BURY MEEEEEE.”   I’ll admit I do like JCM.   Sorry.   My bad.  I only sing out loud in my car though, I promise.

Jesse likes how Ali looks in a bikini and how she looks in a red sports car.   But he’s a  pretty deep guy, so I should also say that he liked how she looked in her dress.   After asking her nothing about herself and simply looking around in astonishment at his surroundings (a vacant hotel that brings to mind horror movies involving chainsaw murders), Jesse straight-up demands the rose, which she gives him, but I really feel no urge to talk about him any further because if he makes it past the next two episodes, I’ll eat my hat.   Except not really because that’s not possible.  Sometimes my brain is filled with old sayings like, “She doesn’t have the sense that God gave a goat!”   Which suggests that I’m rapidly becoming an elderly person who grew up in the 1920s, ergo I’m earning my new nickname, “Treasure Wrinkle”.   Y’all can just call me Treasure for short.   See you at bridge club!

Back at the house, there is so much nonsense about Craig M. and Wee Willy Weatherman that I can’t even bring myself to type it out.   I didn’t understand half of it because it made no sense because NOTHING Craig M. says actually makes sense, so I think it’s simple enough to summarize:  Craig M. is insane and Wee Willy Weatherman is a whiner.   Come to think of it, WWW is reminding me a lot of Ali on Jake’s season.   Remember how Ali spent all her time with Jake complaining about Vienna?   Gosh, maybe WWW is going to last longer than I thought!  But not actually because even as he gets the final rose of the evening, Ali stage whispers, “THIS IS FOR YOUR LOYALTY AND FOR HAVING MY BACK THIS WEEK” as though to clarify that it is NOT because she likes him in any way.   Well, phew.   If by “phew”, I mean “Srsly, I don’t care”.

Ali hands out the remaining roses and I have no idea how many men are left because she gave roses to some people who were completely new to me, who I’d never seen before.   I read another recap which suggested that she be-rosed an intern who got lost on his way to the bathroom.   This was funny enough that I’ve repeated it three times.   Not my line!  But, funny.

Some people didn’t get roses but it’s hard to say how many because only two got to air their feelings of heartbreak in the booth afterwards, and one of them was Craig M. who appears to speak English but groups his words in such a way that they don’t make any sense whatsoever, except in the context of “symptoms found in the DSM IV or V or VI or whatever number the DSM is currently on”.   One of the eliminated guys looked like he might be a nice human but I’m saying that based on the fact that at no point during the show did I see him throwing punches, being a jerk, or showing off, or actually at all and I have no idea what his name was, so don’t ask.

Coming up next week…. oh, wait, maybe I turned off the TV before the preview for next week.    Sorry.   You’ll just have to watch to find out what happens.   I CAN’T HELP YOU.

But can you help ME?  That’s really the question.

Filed under: The Bachelorette