I spuddle.

It was Mother’s Day yesterday and I got an iPad and a SlapChop.   Getting an iPad for Mother’s Day seems surreal but then a lot of things in my life lately have seemed surreal, so why not an iPad for Mother’s Day?   I’m pretty sure that Mr. Spuddle bought the iPad for my birthday, which is in June, and it’s a big birthday, the kind where you have to kind of cry yourself to sleep at night for the week before and the week after and mourn the passing of your sweet sweet wrinkle-free youth.  And when I’m referring to wrinkles, I’m talking about my armpits.  The wrinkles on my face, which are from squinting, I pretend are “laugh lines” and simply a reflection of how much and how often I’m howling with laughter.   The wrinkles in (on?) my armpits cannot be explained in this same way and as such, are the bane of my existence.   When I was growing up, my hairy arms were the bane of my existence.   By the time I’m old, the bane should have moved to somewhere on my torso.

I can’t tell you much about the iPad yet, except that it’s pretty and I’m desperate for someone to take a picture of me holding it and talking like I think it’s a giant iPhone because that is FUNNY to me, peeps, it just is.   You take the funny where you can find it.   Otherwise, those laugh lines turn out just to be wrinkling decrepitude of an unfun nature.   I wanted to type “unfun decrepitude” but was too lazy to backspace.   What does this say about me?   My fingers are not wrinkled.

My dad is cleaning out my Grandpa’s basement.   My Grandpa died many years ago and my sister has been living in his house since her son was five or so, and now he’s 20, so it’s been a long time.   I never remember the year that things occur but let’s say it was fifteen years ago, just for the sake of argument.   And why you would argue with me over when my Grandpa died is a deep and confounding mystery.    Anyway, Dad laid out on the deep freeze a variety of glassware and china that once belonged to Granny and Grandpa for us to help ourselves to if we wanted, and amongst these treasures (mostly green-tinted glass and very small coffee cups) was a very tiny and very heavy pair of miniature cowboy boots.

It was the only thing that wasn’t actually a vessel for food or drink.  I know what you’re thinking!   It’s a SIGN!   From Grandpa!   Because I said that the next book that I sold was going to net me a pair of … cowboy boots!   See how surreal life is?

No?

You think it’s just coincidence?   THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES MY FRIENDS.    Except when there is.   But that’s different.

I will report back on the iPad and it’s uses and whatnot as soon as it actually works here in Canada which won’t be until May 28.   In the meantime, it’s really fun to just pick up and hold against my ear and shout, “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?”

PS – That guy on the infomercial promised that the SlapChop was going to make me thinner, but so far, no love.   Maybe will sue them for false advertising.   I’ve used it three times!  That should be worth at least a dress-size.

Filed under: Me, Myself and I