I spuddle.

Let’s face it, I covet stuff.   And nothing starts my Saturday (writing day!) off better than finding a bunch of stuff to covet on these here interwebz and then telling myself that if I finish this book or that book or, you know, sell something (Not my job anymore!  Now the job of my FANCY NEW AGENT, MS. COLLEEN LINDSAY!), then I can buy these things.  Even though if I had the money, I probably would send my kids to high-falutin’ schools or something and take a vacation, and not, in fact, buy expensive stuff for myself.   Or maybe not.   Who can say?   I have to sell a bunch of stuff first (or Colleen does) and become rich and famous and perhaps have my own reality TV show and a line of clothing at Target.

OK, so we’re off.

1.   In May, I’m speaking at Pecha Kucha.    No, I have no idea what I’m going to say.   Yes, I love public speaking.   Like I really love it, in the way that some people like mountain climbing and others like long walks on the beach and pina coladas.   And, you know, getting caught in the rain.   But!  In this case, I don’t really entirely know what it’s going to be that I say.   Usually, I talk about my books (OK, fine, about my hair) and maybe this time I will speak of something different and mysterious.   SO, to make a long story even longer than necessary, I will say that I was looking at the list of other speakers, deciding how intimidated I should be EXACTLY, and the first click took me to here and I immediately started coveting this:

Good gravy, I WANT.    However!   V. expensive.   Too expensive for me.   But!  But!  But!   Want.   I used to row, a long time ago before I had kids when getting up at 4 in the morning and doing something athletic seemed like a good idea.   Now sleep seems like a good idea, but also a nice little row around the bay in the mid-afternoon seems like a GREAT, FANTASTIC idea.   Mr. Spuddle likes kayaking and I also like kayaking but I find it uncomfortable, generally speaking, on my back and arms and my entire body.   Rowing is my natural fit, it’s approximately the only exercise that feels right to me when I do it.   I WAS MEANT TO OWN THIS BOAT.    Which, of course, also means I was meant to regularly have massive amounts of disposable income and also an excess of spare time.

2.  I AM a bit intimidated by the list.  Some of these people are professional photographers!   I am more intimidated by their photography skillz than their speaking skillz because I don’t know if they have speaking skillz at all, or, for that matter, if I have speaking skillz at all.   Which is really an elaborate way of saying that number 2 thing I covet on my list is MY OWN CAMERA BACK FROM THE SHOP SO I CAN START TAKING MILLIONS OF PICTURES IN ORDER TO HAVE 20 DECENT SHOTS FOR THIS EVENT.    Also!  I just bought a LensBaby 2.0 and I cannot … wait… to try it.

3.  I also want a weekend away with the kids, as a weekend away WITHOUT the kids seems about as likely as having God reach down from heaven and hand me the keys to a new Mercedes.   I don’t even want a Mercedes.   I feel totally ambivalent about cars.   I have no idea why I picked a Mercedes.   Apparently, even my fantasy life in which God is handing me stuff from the sky involves cliches.    Sorry, God.   So what I think is that we should take the kids to a fancy resort up Island to a place such as Parksville, which is their idea of heaven, such as this one, which is located on the beach and within a half-block of a fantastic park and has a pool and, you know, a SPA AND FANCY RESTAURANT.    Yes, I would rather go to the Caribbean, but I’m trying to be realistic here, people, obviously.

4.  Of course, if I got the boat, I’d need to have instant access to low-bank waterfront, so I’d like to add to the list MY DREAM WATERFRONT HOUSE ON A SANDY BEACH.   I looked all through MLS for an example but came up dry.   Apparently there’s been a run on low-bank waterfront lately.   Who knew?   And what do these people do that they can afford these houses?   My guess is that they do not write children’s books.   Alas.   I will change this covet to “enough money to fix our bathroom before the tub falls through the rotten floor”.    Oh, the dream.

5.  I’m running out of stuff and I have to get to work!  What do you people want from me?   FIVE things?   That’s too many!   I will give you four things.   Four things.   And that’s that.   I can’t summon up the desire for any clothes right now because I’m having a Fat Thin Crisis, which means that although I still weigh the same amount that I always do, I recently saw myself in a full length mirror (see: Birdy’s ballet class) and in this instance, I happened to be SKIPPING which may be a horribly unflattering thing to do, but I swear my entire flesh was moving in a wave that had nothing to do with what I was doing, like without ANY MUSCLE TONE WHATSOEVER your body can look like you’re wearing a suit made entirely from skin-coloured Jell-o that’s covered up with clothing.   I mean, I don’t want you to think I was skipping naked throughout my two-year-old’s ballet class.   That would be creepy.    I assure you I was dressed, although not in a full-body Spanx, which perhaps I ought to have been.

The End.  Back to work!

Filed under: Five Thing Friday