I spuddle.

Holy Hannah, time flies.   I’m sure this season just began with a bunch of cheesy schmaltz about “cloud nine” and now, lo, we are on the cusp of the finale and I have to admit that I was wrong because apart from the first couple of episodes, Jake has managed to mostly keep his shirt on, and the fact that he is a pilot has not been really mentioned.   THANK THE GODZ.   Not because I have anything against pilots, but I really couldn’t stand to hear that “On the Wings of Love” song stuck on repeat through the entire season.   Handily, they’ve also (mostly) dropped the cloud nine references, which leads me to believe that the producers READ MY BLOG and TAKE MY ADVICE!*   Here’s some more advice!  Stop putting Jake on the high chair during interviews!  It’s silly!  We know he is short!   We are over it!   If by “we”, I mean “me”!

So anyway, regardless of the fact that he barely seems to know the first thing about any of these four women, Jake is off to their hometowns.   We’re off to… New York!  It’s Gia’s town and she wants to show it to him on a boat cruise where they seem to be the only passengers.   My inner environmentalist was offended because that’s a really big boat for just two people, but then I realized that everything about this show is offensive to the environment and mankind in general, so what was I doing caring about that boat?   They took cutesy pictures of themselves only the pictures that were shown on the screen were obviously not those ones, so I didn’t really get the editing, but so what?  I’m now mentally re-editing the show?   OBVIOUSLY I NEED HELP, or maybe just antidepressants or a drink.   Gia explains that her past was peppered with pain, including how her ex slept with ALL OF HER FRIENDS.   I’m not sure if this is more of a character indictment on her ex or on her FRIENDS.   Christ on a trampoline, who has “friends” who are  ALL willing to sleep with their “friend’s” boyfriend?   How many of these tramps were there?   At what point did Gia see red flags?   Of all these ridiculous girls, she was my favourite, in that I found her semi-likeable because she was bullied in highschool, which is generally a hallmark of a person who turns out to be far more interesting than the rest of their peers.   Now I just find her depressing.  I think Jake does, too, or maybe he’s just afraid of her step-brother’s hedgehog hair.   I know I was.  In any event, by the end of this date I was sure Gia was going to go home, even though I knew she wasn’t because I read spoilers and I knew that it was Ali’s turn to weep in the limo on the way to the airport.

But moving on!  We are now in Williamstown!  And there is Ali like you know herself!   She, like, you know, like, can’t believe he is like, you know there!   And I am ready to actually throw my heavy ceramic teacup at the really expensive plasma TV!   Because, like, you know, like, she can’t, like, even get through a, like, sentence, without you know, using the word “like” three times!   I CAN’T TAKE IT!    She took Jake on a tour of her dead Grandma’s house and said that her Grandma was more like her mother than her Grandma but then we met her mother, which was confusing, because if her Grandma was really her mother, who is her mother?   I laughed so hard when her mother (her actual one, not her Grandma) said that Ali had a “heart of gold” and was the “kindest person you’ll ever meet”.   HAS SHE SEEN THE SHOW?   Ali is about as kind as a viper who is eyeing a nest full of baby rats.    But what do I know?   Her boots were cute.

Onwards!  We are in Oregon.   I like Oregon.   It’s pretty.   What I do not like is AWKWARDNESS.    Let’s recap:  Geography = pretty!  Awkwardness = painful!   Almost everything about this was awkward starting with the dance (that she choreographed herself!) and the endless talk of her ex-husband.   STOP WITH THE EX-HUSBAND TALK ALREADY!   I said, “At least they should give him some air time to defend himself.”   Then Mr. Spuddle had this terrific idea that maybe the ex-husband should be the next Bachelor!   FTW!   I mean, surely the guy is a chump, I think that much is clear, but so is Jake, so what?   It would at least be entertaining.    After the awkward dancing, there was an awkward dinner during which everyone cried about how great it was that Tenley was on a sordid dating TV show on which she had a 75% chance of being rejected and humiliated and a 25% chance of accepting a proposal from a short guy who she barely knows.   WAY TO RECOVER FROM THAT PAINFUL DIVORCE!   Awesomesauce.   I’m starting to wonder if it’s beginning to seem culturally normal to meet your spouse on reality TV, in spite of the fact that no one really ever does.   Something like 90% of American teens think they will be on TV one day, so maybe this is just the natural evolution of that.  But what am I, a sociologist?  No, I am not.   Let’s move on, shall we?

Now we are in … Florida.   I had to think about that for a long time.   I’m really worried about my memory.  Did I mention that the other night I woke up in the middle of the night to go to a crying kid and I couldn’t find the door of my room?  I went into the closet.   Three times.   I WAS LOST IN MY OWN BEDROOM.   Why you are listening to my opinion of this show continues to be a great mystery to me.    Anyway, in Florida we discovered that Vienna was not a rich socialite Paris Hilton-like creature that the other girls believed her to be, unless her parents were just pretending to be poor and to live in a tiny house for the sake of entertainment.   The fact that her background was not what we expected made me like weird, bossy Vienna more than before, even though I nearly wept with laughter when her mother (was that her mother?) pointed out that she figured that none of the other girls would like Vienna because, in fact, NO ONE HAS EVER LIKED HER.   That’s a red flag, Jake!   But not one that you will notice because, yes, we get it, you’re in love with Vienna.    Love is blind and all that, and in your case, apparently also totally oblivious to obvious things, such as VIENNA IS WIDELY DISLIKED and also VIENNA IS TOO YOUNG FOR YOU.

But all this is just build up to the real drama!  Because Ali is like, you know, like she loves her JOB!   And she’s going to get fired if she stays!

What?

Wait, HOLD THE PHONE.   Didn’t this happen last season?  With Ed?   Don’t these people actually clear their time off with their bosses before they sign up for the show?   Is this a re-run?  Because, like, you know, like, I don’t know if I can take it.    This segment dragged on so painfully that I began toying with the idea of actually just going ahead and turning it off.   Then I thought of YOU and left it on, even though I spent part of it screaming from the PAIN of listening to Ali NOT MAKE A DECISION.   I’ll sum it up for you:   She, like, you know, left.

THANK GOD.

So!  No rose ceremony!  Just some awkward staring!  Because if any of those girls have half a brain, they’ll know that he would have kept Ali so ONE of them is just along for the ride!   Which isn’t all bad because they are going to St. Lucia which is the only place outside of North America where I have ever been, so aren’t you lucky?  That means that next week I will point out to you EVERY SINGLE PART OF ST. LUCIA WHERE I HAVE BEEN.    Awesomesauce.   St. Lucia, FTW!   I hope that poor cameraman who was forced to crouch in the corner of Vienna’s childhood bedroom while she and Jake made out embarrassingly like horny teenagers gets to take the trip because that kid needs a free trip to the tropics after what he’s gone through.   I’m serious.   I spent at least four minutes of this show being depressed on behalf of the crew who probably were happy to have a job on a prime time show and did not realize that ALL their dignity would need to be checked at the door on the way in.    If I had any drawing skillz at all, and rest assured that I don’t, I’d draw a witty cartoon where there’s a coatcheck and the camera crew are seen lining up, only it’s not a coat check, it’s a DIGNITY CHECK.   Get it?   Bwa ha ha.

OK, I’ll stop now.

*I’m KIDDING.  I know the show wrapped ages ago and the producers do not care what I think.  I ALSO know that apparently Mrs. Jake is already “up the spout”.   That’s a British-ism.  I cloak my spoilers in secrecy and apparently in quirky English sayings.

Filed under: The Bachelor