I spuddle.

Oh my gosh!  They are leaving the mansion!  And never going back!  Instead they are going to take a roadtrip in RVs!   And they have to pretend to be thrilled about this!  And they aren’t!   But they put on their game faces, our girls, and pretend that DANG IT, they are so excited.   Especially Ella.  Because she’s from Tennessee.  I do not see how this relates to going on a roadtrip in RVs that resemble the tour buses of rock stars, but whatevs.   I like Ella and I’m pretty sure she’s going home this episode, not just because I watched it last night and I know she goes home.

I’m finding virtually everyone on this show loathsome this season, which means that it took me FOUR HOURS to watch this episode because I had to keep stopping it so that I could take a check on my sanity.     Then I realized that it’s not possible for someone insane to really KNOW they are insane because they probably aren’t the best judge of themselves, so I gave up and lay on the couch for a while and watched my Twitter count dropping, then I re-read some bad news emails and felt sorry for myself.  Then I ate half a box of Reese peanut butter cookies.   They were good.

After a bunch of nastiness between Ali/Tenley and Vienna,  the giant behemoths crawled up the coast.   Jake sensibly rode a motorbike, followed in the air by choppers and on the road by camera trucks in front of him and behind.   Boy, that must have felt like he was all alone in the world just drinking up the sights!   I’m surprised he didn’t fly because, you know, he’s a pilot and … yeah, whatever.  I know.

They arrive at a vineyard and Jake is doing a good (if by “good”, I mean “poor”) job of pretending to pitch a tent that has already been put in place by the crew.   He insists on continuing with the bullshit of “I’ve planned so many fun things for the girls!” which makes me want to stab someone with a fork.   We do not for one second believe that Sanford or whatever that winery was didn’t pay a million dollars to be the pitstop on this leg of the race.   He “planned” it, just like he “plans” the rest of this show, which is to say he sits around grinning dumbly while waiting for his line.  I’m really REALLY finding him dislikeable, I think it’s because of what he says and does and how he says and does it.   Or maybe I’m just kind of mean.

First date:  Gia.   I actually sort of like Gia in spite of the fact that when we first met her, she applied enough tongue to the word “Manhattan” to make me feel like I’d accidentally dialled up the Playboy channel.   She actually seems nice enough (although the whole “I want to have two kids and then adopt one from China” just sat wrong with me in a way that I can’t pinpoint, or can I?  Is it because she made it sound like she was going to pick up a rescue dog at the SPCA?)  and I do believe that she was bullied as all get out in school and that makes me like her better because I prefer the people who were bullied (Gia) to the bullies (Ali).   For some reason, her story prompts Jake to spurt out an incredibly inane anecdote about how he was called Mr. Dateless in the 9th grade.   Er.   Um.   Well.   OK, I have to say it.   Did ANYONE date in the 9th grade?   Really?  I mean, I can remember there was always a couple or two who would hold hands at recess, but dating?   I highly doubt that all Jake’s peers were dating up a storm and mocking him for not doing it.    And “Mr. Dateless”?    I don’t buy it.   No 14 year old in the world is going to call some other kid “Mr. Dateless”.    I call bullshit.    I guess he was trying to make Gia feel like he was in the same boat:  her shoes and bag were stolen and she was bullied to the point where her parents took her out of school.   And he didn’t date and his friends called him “Mr. Dateless” (which they did NOT), and so that’s the same.   EXCEPT IT IS NOT.   What an idiot.    In spite of that, they seemed to get along well enough to make out for long enough for me to make some tea to wash down all those cookies, so that was fine.   Go Gia!  If he’s really what you want, then I’m rooting for you, but frankly, you could do better and besides, I already know that Vienna wins.

Back to the cathouse, I mean the RV, the remaining girls are sitting around looking bored and cold and uncomfortable and for some reason howling like banshees.   Whatever floats your boat.   Oh!  I forgot what I was going to say before and that was earlier in the show when they found there was going to be a two-person date, Ali VOLUNTEERED TO GO with Vienna because she “knew” that she’d come back and she’d “take one for the team”.   WTF?   There is no team, kid.   It’s a dating show, not a team event.   Besides which, you WOULDN’T come back.   I really really really dislike Ali.   In case you haven’t noticed.   Then I started to hate Tenley because she looked at Ali, mouth agape, and whispered, “Oh, THANK you” like Ali had just unselfishly donated her heart to science.

Anyway, somehow we get dragged up the coast to the dunes and there is a group date in which there is dune buggy riding and Jake makes a real point of rolling around in the sand with the girls like the good actor that he is (”Look like you’re having fun!”) (”Pretend the bruises don’t hurt!”) and not actually ever talking to any of them.   The most painfully awkward moment on this show — across all seasons — is a scene where he and Ashleigh sit awkwardly on top of each other in a hotel room (we are treated to a view of each different “theme suite” — in an inn where CELEBRITIES go! — obviously Jake’s idea and not part of the sponsorship deal struck with ABC) and can think of NOTHING to say to each other.   Off camera, Ashleigh tells us how uncomfortable it is that some girls are very physical with Jake and then proceeds to rub him with her hands and feet until I felt a goodly portion of my skin actually crawl off my body and leave the room.  Bye Ashleigh.   I can only assume his one on one time with Jessie and whatshername was equally awkward because we didn’t even get to see it.    He gives the rose to Tenley because he’s really probed her innermost thoughts, i.e. he’s asked if she’s over her ex and she’s said “yes” so obviously she’s ready to marry him or at least sleep with him on the overnight shows.

Yawn.   I don’t know what it IS about this episode but by the halfway point I was feeling incredibly irritable and punchy, sort of like I’d been stuck in an elevator with someone boring and malodorous for my entire lunch break and forced to eat my own leg for nutrition.

Let’s summarize:  Two on one date.   (AWKWARD.)   Both Ella and Kathryn are sent home.  (PREDICTABLE.)    He even used the same line that whats-his-name used on Stephanie last season (GET YOUR OWN MATERIAL, DUDE), which was some baloney about how because she has a child, he doesn’t want to lead her on and keep her from her son because he (Jake) is really just such an awesomely thoughtful person and besides, he doesn’t want to marry someone who already has a child, he wants to make his own and also maybe get one from China as a spare which he hadn’t thought of until Gia suggested it and now he’s thinking is an A#1 idea because he’d agree to anything that any of these women say because he knows in his real life, he’s “Mr. Dateless” and by the “9th grade”, he meant “up until I was on The Bachelorette”.   For some reason, the departure of Ella and Kathryn (”I didn’t even properly say goodbye!” SOB) meant another group fake-cry where the remaining girls try to out-sincere each other in the I CARE MORE ABOUT THE OTHER GIRLS THAN I DO ABOUT WINNING bullshit that they whole-heartedly sell to the camera.   Honestly, girls, the crying is so utterly ridiculous, it’s practically offensive.    You cannot be upset that there are two less competitors for the one-dimensional heart of your so-called “future husband”.    Christ on a bike, get on over yourselves.

The rose ceremony finally is upon us and he doles out the roses slowly and painfully and sends Jessie home because she actually hadn’t been on the show at all and they just realized there was no need to drag an extra along for the painful ride, and Ashleigh because of the awkward touching and complete lack of ability to make small talk on camera.   Ali The Prom Queen promptly loses her shit because Vienna got a rose and BOY OH BOY is she gonna give Jake what for.   What a sec, Prom Queen!   You actually don’t control everything!  SURPRISE!    I would have actually enjoyed watching her give Jake what for, but she didn’t (of course) instead she just clutched her rose desperately and shot daggers at Vienna and stage-whispered under her breath.    PLAY YOUR OWN GAME, ALI.    Honestly, she’d make a terrible athlete, she’d be storming up and down the field shouting, “THAT PERSON DOESN’T DESERVE TO BE HERE!” and then she’d be clobbered by the other team.   In this scenario, I’m picturing the sport as rugby.   I know I’m becoming my mother when I say this, but it’s true:   Everyone is pretty when they smile.    And for God’s sake, let’s also take from my mother’s wisdom that EVERYONE is ugly when they spend all their time talking smack about someone else wearing a sucked-lemon expression and rolling their eyes.

Which winds it up for this week, and I’m being sincere when I say this was the most boring episode of this show I’ve ever seen and if nothing interesting happens next week, I may just pack it in.

Oh, I jest.   I’ll never stop watching, it’s an ugly addiction.   I … can’t… fight… it.     Maybe there is Bachelor rehab.   I should look into that.

Filed under: The Bachelor