I spuddle.

It’s time once again for NaNoWriMo, which is just November in a fancy costume and with coffee mugs and t-shirts you can buy to validate your experience. (I bought the coffee mug, yes I did.) If you are me and are panicking and poor, you pretty much NaNoWriMo every month because Fear is the King Of All Motivators and also I’ve been kind of the krazy lately with ideas coming out of every pore, but not literally because that would be upsetting and would likely require some kind of antibiotic ointment to clear up.

Speaking of which, I’ve been having this horrible problem with leg itch. Just my lower legs and only if I lie down. It is SO FRUSTRATING because SLEEPING involves LYING DOWN and the ITCH is so over-the-top that I lie in bed and dream about SCRAPING OFF ALL MY LEG SKIN WITH STEEL WOOL. I went to the doctor and without even so much as a sideways glance at my legs, he diagnosed me with Degenerative Disc Disease, which I have, yes, but wait, what? Itch from my back? The hell? So I spent some hours spelunking the internet and found a grand total of 0 references to itchy lower legs resulting from irritated discs. But what I did find was 10,560 references to leg itch and lymphoma, which I’m now only 7% convinced that I have and will die from. I’m 93% convinced that my problem actually has to do with the fact that I have almost no blood pressure and maybe from shaving I have folliculitis or something that is exacerbated when I’m lying down because that’s the only time my blood actually circulates that far. Someday someone may actually LOOK at my legs and diagnose them with, you know, actual information, instead of standing across the room and shouting, “YOU HAVE A BAD BACK! OBVIOUSLY YOUR LEGS ITCH!” Because, after all, not entirely obvious, is it?

Anywho, who cares? I do, but only when I’m lying down. The rest of the time, I don’t think that much about the itch. That’s how my brain works. If it isn’t occurring in that EXACT SECOND, I’m blissfully unaware of any potentially fatal cancers I may be harboring. Such is life.

But none of that has anything to do with NaNoWriMo, which I am doing and you should, too. Why not? Every person who has ever said, “I’m going to write a book one day when I have time!” should do it because you are never going to have time. It’s like waiting to have kids until you have time and money. When will that happen? Never. Life slips by. Your legs itch, you get older, you’re busy, the kids are shouting at you, and then BAM it’s TOO LATE. Don’t let it be too late for you! Write it! Then you will see exactly what it is like to write a book and all the GOOD PARTS of book writing as well as the sloggy, middle-of-the-book part where the plot gets away from you and the characters all fall into a blue funk and you realize that it’s all a disaster and you may as well go back to your day job, or in my case GET a day job, which is the part where many people probably just go, “Enh, screw it!” because it is hard BUT also it’s amazing if/when you get to the end and if/when it comes out the way you want it to. It’s like what I imagine running a marathon would be like if at the end of a marathon you then had something that you had to sell, which is like a whole other marathon or maybe like a triathalon, with the idea being the swimming, the writing being the bike, and the actual marathon being the whole after-work of it. What am I talking about? I am the opposite of an athlete and I’m currently wearing yoga clothes from head to toe (well, am barefoot, but you get the idea) which are making me feel like an imposter because I have taken exactly zero yoga classes in my life. Why am I outfitted for yoga? No effing idea. It’s comfortable? I like to play pretend?

I can’t stay on topic?

All those things.

As promised by the title, I wind up this post with five components of my NaNoWriMo book-to-be. Components. DO NOT STEAL THEM. I’M WATCHING YOU. Actually the funny part of this is that I never tell people anything about what I’m writing because I think that, for example, you’ll hear the word “octopus” and go, “YES! That is what MY book will be about!” And somehow, through some cosmic fluke, you will write the EXACT SAME BOOK as me and sell yours first. I only fear this because it happened to me once, after two years of research for an adult literary novel about the notorious Brother Twelve written from the perspective of one of his female partner/followers, someone else released the EXACT SAME BOOK. Even in a similar voice to mine, which made me crazy. Well, crazier.

Regardless, undaunted, I give you five components of my soon-to-be massively successful YA endeavour. I have no title yet, so you can’t steal that. But the book will have:

1. A ghost.
2. Hall and Oates.
3. Love’s Baby Soft.
4. A crow.
5. Oliver Peoples eyeglass frame names.

AND IT WILL BE FUNNY.

Write on, dudes.

Filed under: Books, Five Thing Friday, writing