I spuddle.

So it’s official: Jake Pavelka is going to bore us senseless entertain us with weekly two-hour glimpses of his dating prowess, being nice to nice girls and not hurting anyone’s feelings and genuinely caring about each and every one of the twenty-five bimbos hopefuls who have signed up to ride the Jake-train (and maybe even to marry him). Oh, ABC. Why? No, seriously, why? Is it an effort to make bloggers step away from their laptops and adopt more healthy hobbies, such as lobbing old tomatoes at the TV? Is it a plot by the network to embrace the right-wing Christians who formerly may have loathed the concept of a show where the prize is a bride? Did someone pay you? Is it … a conspiracy? WHAT IS THE REASON?

And, more importantly, WHAT ABOUT REID? We all liked Reid. And by “we all”, I meant “me”. And I didn’t “like” him, I was entertained by him. He was neurotic — possibly quite insane — and yet charming. Reid was the prize. For reality TV, that is. A season starring Reid promised to lift the show out of the pattern of blandness into which it had fallen (and no amount of strange, Amazing Race-style games could change that) and turn it back into a show about, you know, actual humans with weird neurosis about vegetables and fruit.

But Jake?

I don’t think I can take it. I really don’t. Because… well, because Jake is possibly an android “nice”. He is. His eyes crinkle up charmingly when he smiles. He smiles a lot. He says nice things. He’s Mr. All-American (whatever that means). He is the poster child for good dental work. He laughs at his own foibles. And he really really really cares. He cares enough to have been nearly knocked by a wave off grief and sorrow from an interior balcony when Jillian refused to hear how Wes was actually a lyin’, cheatin’ snake. Or was that… acting?

HEY, WAIT, I THINK IT WAS ACTING.

Maybe, just maybe, that changes everything.

After an amount of intense sleuthing (i.e. I put his name into Google), I have been led to this juicy tidbit of information about Jake Pavelka, I mean, Landrum: Jake is an actor whose career never got off the ground. After getting bit parts on Walker, Texas Ranger and The President’s Man (not to be confused with The President’s MEN), Jake Landrum’s acting career bellied up. And Jake Pavelka became a pilot, going against the grain (well, the grain of his ENTIRE FAMILY) — “Everyone else is doctors!” — to instead take to the friendly skies. (Or is that “are” doctors?) I don’t know, either, but I what I DO know is that Jake Landrum Pavelka likes the camera. And I’m not mocking that! I’m not! That can be good when you’re, you know, ON TV. And I can appreciate someone being a failed actor and moving on and becoming a pilot. I can respect it. I can RELATE to it. I remember this one time when I was on Walker Texas Ranger and … Oh, wait. No, that never happened to me. But still, it’s fine. It’s life. That’s what happens. One minute, we’re on Walker Texas Ranger and the next minute we’re looking for career options on the back of matchbooks. Furthermore, I’m given a tiny smidgen of hope that this season isn’t simply going to be about a boring, nice guy looking for a boring, nice girl. Instead, it may just be about a guy-from-a-successful-family-who-are-all-doctors-who-wants-to-play-the-trump-card-and-out-succeed-them-all-by-getting-famous-on-TV*. (In light of today’s events, I guess what he could have done instead is to pretend to be floating in a hot air balloon 7000 feet above Colorado.) And now, he’s The Bachelor. Well, you go, Jake. You show ‘em.

But please PLEASE no more dramatic crying and fake sincerity (shows off your bad, mad skillz) (and that is not necessarily a good thing, in this context).

I’ll be watching this season because I watch EVERY SEASON and I don’t like change AND don’t judge me for watching reality TV because I can’t help it, I love it with the helpless sort of love that a heroin-addict loves crack except that neither applies nor really makes sense. I just like it. Judge if you want. But make sure you visit this blog Tuesdays, starting in January, where I will joyfully recapture the best moments from Monday nights’ shows. That is, if it’s even on Monday nights this season. And by “Tuesday”, I mean “when I get around to it”.

* Let’s not forget Dr. Travis Whatever-His-Name-Was who was formerly The Bachelor himself. See, Jake? There’s nothing a doctor can do that you cannot do. You can BOTH be insufferably “nice” guys on network TV! Good luck. Godspeed. And all that. Whatever that means. Actually, what does that mean? Godspeed? Is that fast or slow? Or just medium-paced? It’s impossible to know the speed of God. It’s like the whole “How big is your soul?” question that I tackled here last week. This blog is practically like Bible studies. I’m just saying.

Oh, and just to answer before you’ve even asked: I do not know how tall Jake is. I would like to know, if only because then I could tell you and I KNOW you are going to ask Google and asking Google will bring you here because NO ONE ELSE KNOWS EITHER so I’m going to go out on a limb and make something up and say that I think Jake is …. THIS tall. So there you have it. See you in January. Well, before that, probably, if you want to read more about my life, which will hopefully continue between now and then with lots of things to blog about, such as why I want to learn how to knit and other things I don’t have time for. Stay tuned.

Filed under: The Bachelor