I spuddle.

Five things, five things.   How about FIVE LISTS OF FIVE THINGS?   That’s right, it’s TWENTY FIVE THINGS.   Holy hell.    It’s like I’m giving you my SOUL except it’s much smaller than that and easier to write down.   Or bigger.   I mean, how big is a soul?  As big as a dime?  Or bigger, like a giant sack filled with laundry?   Or maybe it’s the size of a BUILDING.   Is it better to have a big, fat soul that indulges in too much hydrogenated fat?  Or a skinny, hungry soul with a Diet Coke habit and angry personality?   That’s what I want to know.   I apologize if you found this blog by typing “How big is my soul?” into Google, and you probably did, because MAN you people ask weird questions of search engines.   Anyway, I don’t know.  I do know that my soul probably has a muffin top.   I’m just saying.

FIVE LISTS OF FIVE THINGS:

Thing One:   Five Pictures of The Bun, Dancing.   No, he is not one of the girls in pink tutus.   Give your head a shake.

Picture 1:

Picture 2:

Picture 3:

Picture 4:

Picture 5 (I call this one “Guess Who Isn’t Paying Attention?”   Guess why!)

Thing Two:   The Five Books I Am Reading Right Now, But Not This Minute Because I’m Currently Blogging.

1.  Commencement by J. Courtney Sullivan

2.  Something to Tell You by Hanif Kereishi

3.  Trouble by Kate Christensen

4.  Mary Modern by Camille De Angelis

5.  The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows

I don’t have much to say yet about these books because I’m not very far into any of them, they are scattered around the house and I’m not yet gripped enough by any individual one to abandon the rest, actually I’ve only started #4 and #5, so that comment really only applies to these two books.   J. Courtney Sullivan is a friend-of-a-friend so I’m most excited about that one.   I’ll admit that #5 so far is not keeping me awake, I’ve been told by SO MANY PEOPLE to read it and I’m nothing if not TOTALLY COMPLIANT TO THE WISHES OF OTHERS but really I need more … I don’t know.  Plot?   Heh.   Do not stone me.   I am rife for the stoning lately because I admitted on Twitter that vampire books/movies/TV shows/crap make me torn between wanting to jab myself in the right eye with a sharpened chopstick and/or dying slowly from the knowledge that my own brilliant tome about the undead is now NEVER GOING TO SELL because the VAMPIRE CHICKS BEAT ME TO THE PUNCH.   Ergo, I’m over VAMPIRES and I WILL NEVER SEE/READ/CARE ABOUT TWILIGHT.   Random caps alert!   HOLD ME.

Thing Three:   Five Random THINGS That I Feel Like Sharing Because I Care About You Enough To Thrust Personal Details Of My Mundane Life Into Your Face While You Are Trying To Find Out More About German Shepherds Or The Relative Safety Of Uncooked Bacon.

1.   The top search term to hit this site is no longer:  IS IT SAFE TO EAT RAW BACON?  (No.)  It is now GERMAN SHEPHERD DOG.   No, I don’t know why either.   When I was a kid, we owned a German Shepherd named Heidi.   She was lovely.   When she died, we got another German Shepherd named Jodi.   She was also lovely, but neurotic.   Neither of those dog names are my secret passwords for anything, FYI.

2.  Every once in a while, I’ll be driving along or walking or whatever with The Birdy and I’ll be thinking about something completely random, like whether or not there is life on the moon of Jupiter named Titan, or how octopuses fornicate, and she’ll suddenly shout “MOON!” or “OCTOPUS!” and I’ll think, “Wow, she’s probably psychic.”

3.  When I’m not thinking that The Birdy is probably psychic, I’m often thinking, “Um, can she read?”  For example, today we were at the park with my nephews and one of them was wearing a t-shirt that said BASKETBALL on it.   You know, the word.  And she looked at him and said “BASKETBALL”.   She is currently reading out loud from Commencement but I don’t think it features Wall-E or Evaaaaaaaah so I think she’s making that part up.

4.  It always makes me happy when I check my web stats and find that people are still landing here by typing the words “Wes is a douche”.   (It doesn’t take much to make me happy.   Project Runway is on tonight AND we have a new supply of ice cream?   HOO + RAY = YAY.)

5.   The Birdy just moved from her couch to my couch, slapped Commencement on my lap and said, “I CAN read it!”   But how did she know I was just typing about that?   See?   PSYCHIC.   If you want advice from The Birdy, please send $50 to me via Paypal and I will have her answer your questions.   I cannot promise the answer will not be “NEMO’S DADDY” though or, more likely, “No!  MY TURN!”

Thing Four:  Five Things I May Not Have Mentioned That Maybe I Would Have Told You If You Were My Best Friend And We Were Chatting On The Phone.

1.   The Birdy has a broken wrist.   Actually, it’s a “greenstick fracture”.  I had never once thought about what this term referred to until it happened to my wee little love, and now that I know, I force everyone else to listen to the description, too.   It’s like when you try to break a green stick, right?  But it doesn’t break, it just kind of bends and frays.   HOLY HELL, IT HURTS MY WRIST SYPMATHETICALLY TO EVEN TYPE THAT.

2.  The Birdy’s broken wrist doesn’t bother her at all, in fact I’d think I made up the whole thing if I hadn’t seen the X-ray.

3.  I bought new boots!  Yes, again!  Yes, I have a problem!   Yes, this is a cry for help!  But do you want to see a picture?  You do?   I DON’T HAVE ONE.   So, sorry.   Can’t post one.   They are Born knee-high grey-suede that I thought was olive green in the store.    Winners has bad lighting.

4.  The mere sight of mouldy bread makes me so violently nauseated that I can feel sick thinking about it for up to 27 days after seeing it.

5.  People who cut the mould off bread and then COMMENCE TO EAT IT need psychiatric attention.

Thing Five:   THE CONCLUSION TO THIS LONG POST.

1.   It was harder than I thought to come up with twenty five things, even though five of them were pictures so don’t really count.    It was like — gasp!  — homework or something equally dreadful.

2.  I like tea.   We have no tea bags left.

3.  That one was more of a reminder to me to buy more next time I’m out.

4.  You remember things you write down more than things you just think in passing.

5.  I’m hungry.

That’s all for now!   Tune in again next Saturday or some other equally surprising day of the week for another episode of FIVE THING FRIDAY brought to you in part NOT BY NESTLE, who I am still boycotting, or any of the other places that I’ve boycotted:   Walmart, Starbucks, Canadian Tire, Shell.   Hey, that’s five more things!   HOLY CRAP, SIX LISTS OF FIVE THINGS.   I’m now going to nap because I’ve earned it.   Whew.

Filed under: Five Thing Friday