I spuddle.

I realize that if you read this blog regularly, it’s starting to look like I do nothing but watch/obsess about crap reality shows and shop and I want you to know that that’s really not the case. I swear that now that The Bachelorette is over*, the only show I watch is House Hunters and if you don’t know what I’m talking about then you obviously do not consume the local real estate listings like a big heaping bowl of comfort food on a cold winter’s day. No, I don’t know why I like real estate shows so much. Yes, I watch House Hunters EVERY DAMN DAY. Now you know. You can die happy. Not that I want you to die. I’d really prefer it if you lived. Live! Be happy! Watch House Hunters! Or not!  Whatever you like!

Anyway, it’s Friday and even though I just did a shoppy (is that a word?) post, I’m going to do another one. Because in spite of the fact that I just confessed that I buy all my clothes at J.Crew, that was really a lie for dramatic purposes. Not that there was anything dramatic about that post, I just felt the lie was necessary to, you know, make a point. What point? No idea. What does it matter? It’s just a blog, people, not a manifesto.

I actually don’t really know what the definition of manifesto is, I just like the word. FYI. I mean, I have a vague idea but if someone broke into my house and pointed a gun at my head and forced me to come up with the EXACT CORRECT DEFINITION, I’d probably end up being shot dead. These things happen.

Before I die in a weird, dictionary-related heist though, I would like to own these five things from the new Anthropologie catalogue. See, I buy J.Crew when I want to pretend that I live in Faketucket and have a house on the beach near long, waving grass and maybe also a dinghy with chipped paint that I row back and forth to a private little island for picnics involving tiny sandwiches and fresh fruit and a wide-brimmed straw hat. BUT when I want to pretend that I live in Icelandia — not actual Iceland, because I’m sure they don’t wear Anthropologie in Iceland (I think it’s and American outfit) — but the fake Iceland that they conjure up on their catalogue pages — a sort of overly-hip place where the backdrop is invariably grey and, well, frankly Icelandic, and although there are no children or men ever present, all the people are both exquisitely fashionable and casually chic in that “Oh, I threw it all together right before I posed in front of this daunting rock face near a haunted looking barn**” when you know they actually spent hours making it look just so, right down to the windswept hair and smudged makeup.

Don’t worry. Even I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore.

Note to Anthropologie.com: I USED to buy stuff from your website, jackholes, before you decided to get all “Canada friendly, eh?” and make a “Canadian” portal. NOW I no longer have access to sale stuff and the prices are so outrageously high through the “Canadian portal” that it’s actually cheaper to buy on the “US site” and pop for the duty myself. WTF? I mean, seriously. Thanks! For the site where we can PAY MORE MONEY FOR THE SAME ITEM! Awesome.

So here are the five things that I’m not going to buy but am seriously considering moving to the US so that I can own them and love them forever, like the furry little pets that I’m never going to own.

1.   Frye For the Ages Boots

Holy hell, those are perfect boots. For one thing, Frye boots are your best friends if your feet are like mine and reject other boot brands like an organ donated by someone with the wrong blood type. For whatever reason, my Fryes are the only boots I ever wear anymore. And I own several pairs of gorgeous boots that I will GIVE YOU IN EXCHANGE FOR ONE PAIR OF THESE LOVELY LOVELY LOVELIES. I would probably stalk these until I had a coupon or a sale or whatever but $298 US does NOT translate to $332 Cdn, Anthropologie, so now you can bite me. I’ll find them on Ebay. I will. Yessssss.

2. Sideswept Sweater Dress by Moth

I can’t help it. I like dresses. And drapey dresses especially. And dresses in this colour — which Anthropologie insist on calling “purple” but which we all know is “maroon” — because I have a sentimental attachment to this colour because when I went to the Grade 8 dress, I was allowed to borrow my oldest sister’s dress which was this colour and even though no one asked me to dance and now that I think about it, the dress looked a little like something a nun would wear to a Christmas party, I’m still drawn to it. Also, notice how the cafe in which the model daintily sips her coffee looks like it’s in Icelandia, if you’re with me and still believing that Icelandia is some kind of fantasy location where Iceland meets Paris and has a latte.

3.  Twist & Tether Cardigan by Splendid

I just spent longer than is healthy deciding which colour I would buy this sweater-like thing in. Why? I’m not going to buy it. SO WHY DOES IT MATTER? Because I am nothing if not obsessive about giving you highly accurate “what if” scenarios. What if I lived in the US and had a spare wad of money to spend on a new Icelandia wardrobe? Then what? I have to tell you that my favourite sweater of all time came from this site — the “string of lights” sweater, if anyone else reads the catologue and obsesses about it, they might remember it — and I’m feeling very cross about my access to such treasures being meddled with. But enough about that. I am usually opposed to dark grey things because they mostly look like they ought to be black but have been washed too often in non-black friendly detergent. This one is OK though. The other choices would either wash me out or just be too much scary colour for the likes of neutral me.

4.  Openweave V-neck by Sparrow

I would TOTALLY buy this if the site wasn’t so messed up, price-wise. $68? YES PLEASE. This sweater says, “I am seventies hip and so cool that my hair feathers itself while I sleep.” It says nothing about Icelandia and really doesn’t seem like something that would be in the Anthropologie catalogue, but who cares? I WANT. I’m so covetous. Isn’t that a biblical sin? Am I going to hell? And if I’m IN hell, do I shop on the US site or do I still have to pay extra for simply living in a different geographical location, Anthropologie? Hmmm????

5.  Flower Chain Bracelet

Since I let my earring holes grow over accidentally by not wearing any earrings for something like four years, I’ve taken to wearing necklaces and bracelets, specifically pretty clunky bracelets just like this one, only I don’t have this one and probably never will. I love the chunky clunkiness of them on my wrist and the random prettiness and The Birdy likes them to, which makes me think that even though I’m almost forty I still have the same taste in jewelry as I had when I was two so either I had really good taste when I was two or I have the taste of a toddler. I’m not sure what that says about me.

That about winds it up. I’m seriously obsessed with number one and number four. Why do you hate me, Anthropologie? What did Canada ever do to YOU?

*  It may be over, but it ain’t over in the press:   Is Ed cheating on Jillian?   Is she REALLY OK that he slept with two other women during the week that he skipped out of the program?   Is it possible that he is that much of an asshole and she is that much of a schmuck that she’d be all like, “Well, that’s fine!”   Because even though the premise of the show is insane and she’s sleeping with who knows how many people for the sake of “choosing”, the men (or women) are supposed to be ALL ABOUT THE BACHELORETTE (or Bachelor) and somehow if they’re not it just seems like a bunch of slutty people transferring STDs back and forth and not a romantic show about happy endings.   Well, not THAT kind of happy ending.   I meant the fairy-tale kind.   Get yer mind out of that gutter.

** Hey, maybe it’s like that weird Nicholas Cage movie where at the end they burned him and there was something about bees and a dead or not dead kid.   Remember that?    It wasn’t very good.

Filed under: Five Thing Friday, Shopping