I spuddle.

Yes, folks, it’s the big episode that we’ve been building to all season, the one with the scene that the producers have been battering us with since Day 1, when we still innocently believed that Jillian Harris was a fun, cute girl and that she might get the happy ending that Jason Mesnick robbed her of last season. And we wanted her to. Now? I’m not so sure what I want her to get. Scabies? No, I’m kidding. Sort of. Certainly I’m hoping she gets her weight and height tattooed on her forehead, if not just because the most common search term to hit this blog are the hundreds of people who type “How much does Jillian Harris weigh?” Actually, that’s not a bad thing. I appreciate the hits. But look, you could weigh the same amount and maybe if you’re shorter, you wouldn’t look so tiny or if you’re taller, you would look emaciated or if you’re built differently, the fact that you weigh the same would not give you Jillian’s exact dimensions or wardrobe. I’m just saying. She’s tiny. Let’s move on.

Back on US soil, Jillian is back to claiming credit for the hotels, the dates, the scenery and, what the hell, the entire state of Hawaii. We see her sitting on the beach drawing a forlorn little heart in the sand with J + ? This gives us an opportunity to see her again in a bikini, frolicking and having fun like a baby deer whose mother spent too much time chewing lead paint off the exterior of buildings before he was born. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried, but it’s hard to frolic and have fun when you are by yourself, although I guess she had the cameraman along for the ride, and no doubt was fuelled by fourteen to sixteen glasses of white wine, and hey, she was in Hawaii on the beach, so why not?

Date number one goes to Kiptyn, which she has taken to pronouncing in a strange rushed way. There is no “i” in K’ptyn OR in team, which is a happy coincidence as they are off to do a “ropes course” which apparently is a very accurate test for marriage and your compatibility as a couple, and also reminds me of those “team building” exercises you are forced to do when you work at places that suck. Because walking on a tightrope comes up a lot in most workplaces AND, according to this show, most marriages. You can certainly tell if someone is going to cheat on you with the hottie from Hooters by the way they balance at various different heights on rope things that are designed to make you look hopelessly uncoordinated. Duh. Everyone knows THAT. Anyway, Jillian and K’ptyn meet on a bridge where Jillian leaps into K’ptyn’s arms. I can’t help but think that if I did that to someone, we would topple over and our combined weight would likely cause the flimsy side supports to break and we would plunge to our deaths. I guess that would make for a shorter episode. Both Jillian and K’ptyn buy into the idea that this ropes course is a true test of their compatibility (because of the teamwork which is odd because there isn’t a single thing they do on the course that involves, you know, working together) and are excited to get going. Seriously, though, teamwork? It’s more like a side-by-side, completely individual event where the actions of the other person have no bearing whatsoever on your own success or failure at the task. But maybe I’m being too literal, because after teetering around various mostly uncomfortable looking “events”, Jillian and K’ptyn are meant to take a “leap of faith”. Hey, wait a minute, wasn’t it just last week in Spain when Jillian was pressuring K’ptyn to say that he’d pop the question on the last episode and she referred to it as a “leap of faith”? Is that a coincidence? Is this — gasp! — PRODUCED? Anyway, together (but completely separately), they are to climb a pole and then leap from the top to grab a trapeze. Both of them repeatedly refer to the pole as a totem pole, but hang on, IT’S NOT. I’m sorry, but a TOTEM POLE is a carved pole traditionally found in First Nations communities shaped into beautiful symbolic representations of animals and people. A pole with nothing carved on it is not a totem pole, it’s just a pole. For reals. K’ptyn gamely mounts his pole — hey, wait, that sounded dirty — but Jillian has a harder time with hers, and in a giant step backwards for feminism, suddenly abandons her “I’m so strong” routine and rabbits on to the camera about how being girly and weak is sort of awesome and feminine — a sentiment mirrored by K’ptyn in his own interview, when he said something like, “She’s awesome when she is totally incompetent!” I’m paraphrasing, obviously, they probably didn’t use the word “awesome” at all, but you get the idea. K’ptyn leaps from his pole and grabs the brass ring or whatever and Jillian misses completely and dangles awkwardly in space until someone presumably rescues her, the damsel in distress that she’s decided to become now that her whole “I’m so strong” routine backfired in terms of her likelihood of getting a ring at the end of this season.

Onwards to dinner! I bet K’ptyn is feeling a bit ripped off. After all, they are in Hawaii and all he’s been able to see of it is a rugged looking patch of grass and some ropes. But not to worry, he’s going to get to see a lot more in the Fantasy Suite. But first! Jillian MUST KNOW what his flaw is, and no, K’ptyn, she doesn’t mean the coy, “I’m a bad dancer!” line you are determined to get away with. (And please don’t mention those flamenco pants again.) But apply a bit of pressure to K’ptyn and he caves and admits that he’s impatient, he tends to bail when things get rocky or even slightly gravelly, and he can’t deal with “bumps in the road”. I don’t know how much of this the producers edited out, but in the five minutes or so that we see, he leaps up and waves a red flag the size of a blanket so vigorously that surely she was hit on the head by it or at least poked in the eye or partially suffocated. I could be wrong, but I’m guessing the fact that he admits that he’s crap at relationships and doesn’t stay in them if they get difficult in any way whatsoever might be a more accurate prediction of future happiness (or misery) than teetering across a tightrope or jumping from the top of a pole, totem or regular. But maybe I’m wrong, because they are off to the Fantasy Suite where they almost certainly Do It but thankfully, we don’t have to watch unless an enterprising cameraman “leaks” the tapes on the intertubes which could happen but even if it did, I would rather saw my own legs off below the knee that actually witness it. I’m just saying.

After a night of refreshing love-making (a phrase I cannot utter without randomly thinking of Burt Reynolds in a meadow of daisies) with the Kipper, Jillian showers and is off to meet Reid in a field where she incongruously carries a beach ball, which — as it turns out — has nothing to do with their date which does not involve the beach or, really, balls. It’s a helicopter ride! Reid does not have to tell the camera anything for us to know that he’s crapping himself because he’s terrified of heights, downdrafts, and rotor failures. (Aren’t we all, Reid? Aren’t we all?) He’s sweating bullets but Jillian doesn’t notice, she’s too excited about showing Reid her beautiful island. During the flight, they “can’t take their eyes off each other” which loosely translates to the truth, which is that Reid can’t look out the window without vomiting a little into his own mouth, something which surely will get in the way of the making out he’s hoping to do later. But wait! There’s more! The pilot is an ordained minister and you can actually get married RIGHT NOW, Reid! Ha ha! Reid nearly blacks out, but manages to stay conscious, probably because his blood pressure is already so high due to the fear. But — Jillian wants to know — WOULD he consider getting married right then? At that moment? Can she not read his facial expression? Is she really that obtuse? No, JIllian, he wouldn’t.

Back on the ground, Reid is palpably relieved to be, you know, alive. But not for long, because watch out, there’s a picnic! But it’s not an ordinary picnic, it’s more like a job interview with one of those interviewers who is determined to make you right for the job (even though you don’t want it) by feeding you the answer and getting cross when you don’t use it in lieu of, say, the truth. The truth is that Reid does NOT want to propose, not just because he’s emotionally four, which he readily admits — but because it’s TOO SOON. I sort of wonder what he thought happened on this show, has he not watched previous seasons? He had to know that if he made it to the end, the pressure would be on. And is it ever. It’s making ME uncomfortable, and I love this crap. Anywho, she lets him off the hook slightly and says he can think about it and tell her at dinner, an event which takes place in the shadow of some pretty intimidating tiki torches on the beach. And guess what? He sort of yeah thinks he might maybe propose! And he’s added tiki torches to the list of things that scare him! A lot! Jillian, not satisfied with the best Reid can do, pushes harder. Would he move to Vancouver? Before he answers, she announces that she’s going to move to Philly to be with him for a couple of years. Presumably, after that, they break up? I don’t know, she doesn’t say. Reid looks baffled but relieved that he doesn’t have to become a Canadian. And we’re off to the Fantasy Suite!

Oh, sex. Jillian may be exhausted after her romp with Kiptyn, but the producers know how to light her fire. Yes, that’s right. Just add water and stir. Ta da! And here’s… a bathtub! In case they don’t see it at first, the producers have thoughtfully lit a thousand candles and mortally wounded four hundred roses to mark a path to it. It’s no hot tub, but it’s good enough for our little water nymph. Taking herself more seriously than housefire, Jillian ignores Reid’s attempts at levity in the bubbles and serious action commences. I hope Reid isn’t too freaked out about, you know, germs. Because… well, I don’t think I really need to say it, do I? No. I thought not.

But wait, there’s more! This episode can’t be over yet! Because, what about the ED? Or in this case, Ed?

Even though we know what’s coming (or not coming, heh, I’m grossing myself out here) (sorry), we still must endure their date, which involves a boat. Boy, K’ptyn really DID get ripped off on this episode. Rickety rope stuff or a nice tour on a catamaran? I’ve actually been on that catamaran in Maui or at least one with the same name on the same island. When I went, it was with about 30 other people, two of whom I call “Mum” and “Dad”. It was lovely. I think there were grey whales and then we did some snorkelling and miraculously were not attacked by one of the thousand species of sharks (man-eating and otherwise) that call Hawaii “home”. Ed and Jillian get the boat to themselves, however. They swim and frolic and drink heavily in the sun. (That’s foreshadowing, people. Sort of.)

The thing is that the producers, in their “coming up next” segment, have already treated us to the scene where Jillian sobs on camera about how the chemistry with Ed “just wasn’t there”, which is confusing because the can’t seem to keep their hands off each other ALL DAY LONG. In fact, hold on, there’s WATER. Jillian readily admits that when in water with Ed, she can’t stop herself from wrapping her legs around him. Er, that’s a bit weird, isn’t it? Unless you’re just trying to look big and scary so tiger sharks don’t eat you? Ed doesn’t seem to think so. They are all alone, Ed points out. (Well, except for the cameraman who is lurking underwater in his scuba gear to photograph the leg holds, and the other cameraman who is filming the kissing from above the surface.) So they can really go for it. You know, in private. The privacy that comes with cameramen.

But wait! Ed has a surprise! Not only is his name NOT actually Ed, but he’s flown his parents in to meet her! (Has “he”? Or did the producers?) She is thrilled! He understands her! Totally! She squees with delight! Ed’s folks are going to love her! They drink a bunch more white wine and then are too hammered to actually get changed, instead they go directly to his parents’ hotel for more wine and so that Jillian can slur about how much she hated when Ed quit the show and how thrilled she was when he returned. She learns from his mother that Ed (or Richie) (or whatever) is different around her than other girls (could it be because he’s in Hawaii and he’s blotto?), which is enough for her. Ed’s mum is just happy that Jillian likes to play cards. Really? CARDS? That’s so… fun! Ed’s dad is not such an easy sale, in fact part way through this scene, he suddenly sits upright as though he’s just woken from a coma and says, “What are we doing here?” Did he not ask why he was being flown to Hawaii at the expense of the network? Why there were cameras all around? Was he not curious previously about why his son was in California and Vancouver and Spain instead of at work in Chicago? Is this the first he’s heard of the show? Apparently, because he’s kind of cross with his son when he realizes that instead of working his butt of at some software company on the mainland, Ed (Richie) is in HAWAII trying to get it on with some BIMBO on TV. Is Richie (Ed) going to lose his job over this? Is he an IDIOT? The whole thing is so peculiar, that I found myself sort of shouting with laughter in a kind of painful way. Picture a seal barking, it was like that. Because after a few seconds of confusion, Ed’s (Richie’s) dad starts to … cry! Because Richie (Ed) is opening his heart to love! So what if he loses his job? He’s correcting his mistake that he made when he left the show the first time! And that’s the greatest thing of all! It is? Wait, I thought Whitney Houston taught us that LOVE is the greatest thing of all? I’m pretty sure it wasn’t “correcting for earlier mistakes is the greatest thing of all”. Frankly, this still seems like it might have been a mistake to me, and by that I mean “coming back to the show”, because I know that from here on in, Ed is going to be known as ED and actually his life might, for real, be ruined. But what do I know? I don’t actually care, I’m just counting down the seconds to the trainwreck that I know is coming because the producers keep telling me that it is. That’s right, ladies and gentleman, it’s the scene you have been waiting for all season, where Ed lives up to his unfortunate moniker and the downhill skid begins.

Cut to the Fantasy Suite, where making out commences, complete with the declaration of capital-L Love that Jillian has been hoping for all season. Kissing, kissing, more kissing! And… a massage! With oil! Cut to close ups of Ed’s hands running all over Jillian’s body! And hers on his! And a skimpy outfit, and Ed nearly fainting from the sight of it! The hottest thing he’s ever seen! And more making out! And thankfully the cameras cut away to the surf! Because I was starting to feel a bit queasy! I thought this kid was impotent! Shouldn’t this be on cable or something? My eyes, my EYES!

The lights go off. Well, that’s that then. It’s a relief, frankly. I thought I was going to have to carve my eyes out with a hot poker or something like that to get the images of slimy Jillian and slick Ed off my retinas.

But wait! There’s more! The lights go back on! And there’s Jillian, sitting on Ed’s… back? His back? Is she giving him the Heimlich manouevre? (And why can’t I spell that? I’ve tried three times, and now I’m giving up and leaving it like that because my battery is about to die and I’m too lazy to go downstairs to get the power cord.) Is he choking? Is he… dead?

Well, no. Not yet. But…even worse…

HE FELL ASLEEP!

Er, but didn’t you promise us impotence? A SCENE SO SHOCKING THAT WE WOULD NOT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT POSSIBLY EVER BECAUSE THE HORROR OF IT HAD NEVER BEFORE BEEN EXPOSED ON PRIME TIME? Where is the scene that you’ve been previewing for NINE WEEKS? Because I’m pretty sure this ain’t it.

And this is where it gets stupid stupider confusing. Cut to Jillian sobbing about how it just “wasn’t there”. Er, what wasn’t there? The chemistry? Because that seemed to be there? And I’m going to end all these sentences with question marks from here on in? Because none of this makes sense? Especially the part where Jillian rues to Chris Harrison (who did bother to make this trip) that she’d hoped it would be a night wherein Ed wanted to run his hands all over her body and she was shattered when he didn’t? But, hang on, HE DID? It’s on camera? What are you talking about, Jillian? Oh, hang on, I GET IT. It’s not his HANDS that are the problem. Is it possible that after all that foreplay, the 802 glasses of white wine that Ed consumed that day went to his head? (Ha ha, I said “head”. Heh. Oh man, this is all so wrong.) So Jillian is … mad? Sad? Devastated? That after a day spent in the hot sun drinking like fish, Ed is too drunk and anxious to complete his “mission” and he falls asleep? And so does she? And THIS is what the producers led us to believe was a humiliating erectile dysfunction so severe that the sufferer would likely not SURVIVE?

Uh.

Well.

Whatevs, moving on: It’s Rose Ceremony time, but first… personal videos from the men to Jillian! Kiptyn says that he had fun, it’s been an amazing ride, and a bunch more pithy phrases that are meaningless. I wonder if he has a handbook of phrases like these in his back pocket or programmed into his iPhone. Then he says, “You are the kind of girl I could fall in love with,” which could be the most telling thing he’s ever said. Listen closely, Jillian, what he actually just said is, “I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU, ALTHOUGH I GENERALLY LIKE YOUR TYPE”. Oh wells. Then it’s Reid’s turn. I can’t help but thinking that these two are actually a really good match. She can tell him how he feels and he can shyly repeat it back. They could hire cameramen or something so that he could have that buffer. It’s sort of cute and awkward, like old episodes of Degrassi High. And then there is Ed, oh Ed. He knows he’s messed up. The fact that she’d been with two other men on consecutive nights before his turn notwithstanding, she’s going to NOT PICK HIM because of his “problem”. (Don’t worry, Ed, it happens to everyone who is on camera, drunk, has sunstroke, is nervous, and is third in line at the plate. Seriously.) So he does it. He blurts, “I LOVE YOU! WILL YOU MARRY ME?” Again, paraphrasing, but Jillian — who WAS going to get rid of him, because what’s the point? — stops dead in her tracks. She’s got a sure thing! She’s saved from the potential humiliation of having gone through this whole miserable process to be left alone at the altar at the end! Quickly she pulls Ed out of the lineup to verify she heard correctly. Yes, he will marry her? Yes, he will.

Sorry, Reid. I had just finished uttering the words, “I’ll bet she ends up with Reid at the end,” to Clayton, like the words were still in a bubble over my head, when she got rid of him. Um. Well, colour me wrong. Jillian tearfully says goodbye to Reid on a bench, then steers him into a limo where he tells the camera that he’s looking forward to being The Bachelor next season. OK, not really, but come on. Calling Captain Obvious, please come in.

Jillian returns to the Kipper, who is looking a bit anxious, and Ed, who is dripping with gratitude like a St. Bernard with those floppy lips that they get when they get older, you know what I mean. She tells them that they are off to the Big Island in the morning, which is confusing because what about her parents in Kamloops or wherever they are? Are the bachelors not going to meet HER parents before proposing? What up with that double standard, peeps? Anyway, the men wonder out loud, what will they do on the Big Island? “More of what we’re doing now,” says Jillian, raising her glass of ubiquitous white wine. Getting drunk in the sun? How we’ll get through the next two weeks, I have no idea.

I know y’all will be disappointed, but I’m going to be away for next week’s episode, The Bachelor’s Tell All (or Wes Really IS an Asshat!) but will recap it for you later in the week when I get around to watching it.

And… that’s all folks. Sometimes I don’t know really how to wind up these posts, I feel like there needs to be a punch line but I can’t think of one, and The Birdy just brought me two bottles of medicine and appears to be eating a cough drop, so I have, you know, more important things to take care of, such as my children. So, um. Well. Bye! See you later! Next week! Sometime! Bye bye now!

Bye. I’m really going now. I am.

Click.

Filed under: The Bachelorette