I spuddle.

It’s hard to know where to begin with this week’s exciting episode of “Why Is Wes Still Here?” But let’s start with… a boring montage about the remaining four men: Kiptyn, Reid, Ed, and the douchebag Wes himself. And Spain. Oh, Spain. I must tell you that Spain looks really lovely. I’d like to go there one day if it didn’t involve a whole bunch of money, flying, and time, none of which I am privy to at this juncture. Oh well, who needs travel? We can live vicariously through Jillian Harris as she models various different shirt and shorts combos with pretty architecture in the background. To her credit, I believe this is the first episode where she did not take personal ownership of the scenery, or indeed, the country itself. Spain is not Jillian’s! It’s a miracle! Or maybe the production staff is just different overseas.

I did not take notes on this episode because my MacBook is so tired out that toggling is not an option. As a result, this is straight up from my memory, which is bad at the best of times and it’s been a long day so it’s even worse than usual. Believe me when I say it doesn’t matter. There wasn’t much noteworthy about this episode and what WAS noteworthy is so memorable that I’ll likely have to endure hypnosis or maybe acupuncture to erase it from my memory.

Let’s start with Kiptyn, because he’s up first. Kiptyn looks a lot like my brother-in-law. Honestly, he seems like kind of a nice affable guy (Kiptyn, not my BIL) (although my BIL is pretty affable, also) who is the sort of guy who is used to girls chasing after him and doesn’t really know much about sticking his neck out in order to land some babe. Probably girls have been dropping on him like big, fluffy snowflakes since he was born. This is because his parents are rich, a fact that he knows and possibly is why he turns out to be impotent. (See: Amateur Psychoanalysis of a Hypothetical Event). Or is it even Kiptyn who is impotent? WE DON’T KNOW BECAUSE THAT WASN’T ON THIS EPISODE, WAS IT, PRODUCERS? So all those teasers about impending impotency were just … LIES! Lies! I tell you. Or maybe that will happen next week. We can hope. I hope it isn’t Kiptyn because he’s now juxtaposed with my BIL in my brain and I’d feel sad for my sister if that was the case. Or would I? I actually prefer not to think too much about my BIL and my sister and what they get up to in that regard. Why am I talking about this? Because I have no notes, that’s why. It’s difficult for me to stay on the subject without a rough draft.

Kiptyn and Jillian sit down to discuss the Big Issues, as in Jillian wants to know if he really really loves her and if he wants to, you know, get married. He does not. Why? Because he has some sense. He is rich, he is reasonably good-looking, he’s AFFABLE, for the love of God. I’m pretty sure he could do some choosing himself, and he’s maybe a bit hesitant to marry someone he’s met on TV who he has spent a total of five hours with, who is turning out to be just a wee bit of an emotional basketcase. Sensibly he explains that although he could foresee a time when he might fall in love with Jillian, he isn’t there yet and he’s not going to propose simply for the sake of “taking a leap of faith” or whatever Jillian tries to sell him on. She pushes, he refuses to budge, we are all embarrassed to be watching. That sort of thing.

I looked away for a while. Actually, what I was doing was looking for my dignity. Maybe it fell under the couch. I found a bunch of dust under there, in addition to a few old library books that I’ve already paid for. I hate that. Did you know that dust was mostly skin particles? That makes dust bunnies pretty frightening, if you ask me. I did not find my dignity, but I did find an entire army of dust creatures. Let’s write that dignity off as “lost”, along with Jillian’s. She lost hers somewhere around episode three, so I feel pretty proud to have retained mine up until now.

Onwards. Jillian tries gamely to recover from what amounted to a rejection from the Kipper, and off they go to do some flamenco dancing, an opportunity for Jillian to wear some different costumes. She really, really likes to wear different things. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just an observation. Kiptyn is dying from how tight the pants are. I wonder if he’ll blame the pants for his inability to perform next week, or whenever. If it’s him. I only think it’s him because I heard a rumour that it is. I don’t honestly care. I think it’s likely that 90% of men would have a problem “performing” with cameras on them while partaking in a dating show on TV. Why do I keep talking about it then? I have no idea either. Back to the dust bunnies.

At dinner, the conversation is dragging on a bit, and I say that because I cannot recall what they talked about, if anything. Maybe they were too busy drinking to talk. There is a LOT of wine consumed on this show, which makes it all the more surprising that winemaker Jesse didn’t last for longer. Yes, I know that doesn’t make sense. But wait, here’s something else that doesn’t make sense! Jillian — in a prolonged and painful speech — declines the fantasy suite card. Uh, why? Because she isn’t ready yet for the heady distraction of sex with four different men on consecutive nights? But Jillian, you can accept the date card simply to spend 12 hours with the man WHOM YOU WISH TO MARRY without cameras on you. You do NOT have to actually get down to the hardcore grinding. Is she insane? Yes, I’m beginning to think she is. I’m also beginning to think that I am because as I was typing that, I swear to God, Buddha, Allah, and all the other deities that a possum — or maybe a rat or one of Wes’ other direct kin — fell down the chimney. I heard a loud thump, followed by a strange sliding sound, followed by scrabbling, followed by silence. Is it dead? How could an animal fit down my chimney? The things that go bump in the night are REALLY going bump in the night tonight. Which is more than I can say about Jillian and Kiptyn’s awkward and strangely humiliating date.

Onwards to Sevilla, where Jillian dons a different combo of shirt and shorts to meet Reid, who forgot that he was on TV so strolled up in whatever he slept in, in this case an old ill-fitting t-shirt and worn jeans, an outfit that says, “I like you well enough but I can’t be bothered to get changed or, say, shower.” Sevilla is lovely, on the other hand. I’m really beginning to feel depressed that I am not IN Spain right now instead of on my couch with a strange pain in my chest and things falling down my chimney and in my bathtub (since I typed the previous paragraph, the kids suction toys fell off the shower wall and crashed onto the floor). Jillian and Reid have a bantering affection that reminds me of something, although I’m not sure what. Perhaps just of bantering affection. They have a picnic or something, I wasn’t really paying attention because I was simultaneously uploading pictures of our camping trip from last weekend, which was not exotic and contained no pretty architecture, short shorts, or shirts with rolled up sleeves which I believe are called “camp shirts” or maybe that’s just what they’re called in the JCrew catalogue. I really have no idea, but I did not pack one. I just do not look good in “camp shirts”. Or while camping, for that matter.

Jillian and Reid flirt and Reid admits that although he likes Jillian well enough, and I think I’m getting this right when I report that he says, “You’re attractive, you’re a good person … you smell good…” but then goes on to say, “But I’m not in love with you… yet.” The “yet” allows Jillian to keep a tiny shred of self-respect, but not really. I’m feeling sorry for her now because in spite of her jaunty wardrobe and desire to be seen as quirky and spontaneous, she’s having a helluva time getting these guys to fall in love with her. If they aren’t feeling it (yet!), I’m guessing they never will. Jillian again gets revenge by declining the overnight date, which Reid seems oddly delighted about. I’m again confused about why he doesn’t point out that they don’t have to Do It, they can just take the time to get to know each other OFF CAMERA. But maybe Jillian doesn’t function well off camera. For all I know, she doesn’t even EXIST off camera. Maybe she’s like that girl in that Al Pacino movie that he created using computer animation, remember that? Simone? I know, that sounds insane, but what can I tell you? THERE’S A RAT OR SOMETHING IN MY CHIMNEY. I may be distracted.

Still in Sevilla, up next is Ed. Jillian squeeees with delight when she sees him, which leads me to conclude that he’s the frontrunner in this tight race to Jillian’s heart, mostly because he’s the only one who hasn’t yet told her that he doesn’t love her. They do so much making out that I get heartburn caused by my dinner repeating. Settle DOWN with the tongue, Jillian. It’s freaking me out. The fountain is as close as Jillian can come to a hot tub so she goes for it, getting soaked in a way that I’m guessing she thinks is sexy but is really just disturbing. Do they step out of the fountain when they are done and just casually walk back to the hotel? Do the producers have towels and a change of clothes? How does that work exactly? It reminded me of that time at Disneyland when I went on some water-related ride first thing in the morning, got completely drenched, and was wearing a white shirt and white pants, and was basically naked for the rest of the day or at least until the sun dried enough of the water that my girl-parts weren’t so rudely highlighted, something that I should think is actually a crime at The Happiest Place on Earth. I’m surprised I wasn’t thrown into The Happiest Jail on Earth for my blatant show of indecent exposure. But, as we all know, Europeans are much more blase about nudity than animated creatures are, so for all I know, the fountain thing was just a regular occurrence on the streets of Sevilla.

At dinner, Jillian begins to push Ed about the big-L, as in “Do you want to have kids with me?” I called it the big-L to fool you, much like how the producers of this show like to imply one thing and then say another. i.e. to mess with you. It’s sort of fun, I can see why they do it so much. Ed DOES want to have kids because, after all, who wouldn’t want a mini-Ed? His mum does, that’s for sure. I’m not sure why he’s having kids with his mum, doesn’t he realize that JILLIAN would be the kids’ mum in this instance? It’s all perplexing. Jillian finally accepts the overnight date card but then tells him that they are going to sleep in their clothes. JILLIAN, for goodness sake, you can put on a robe or something without it leading to SEX. Who does she not trust, Ed or herself? And who cares? Not me, because coming up next, WES TELLS THE TRUTH.

Or that’s what the producers want us to think.

What actually happens is this. Jillian and Wes meet. Wes is pretty happy to be in Spain because a single on his second CD was number one in Chihuahua, Mexico. (They have their own charts? Is being number one in a small city in Mexico really that impressive? I worry that Wes has done more to damage the reputation of Mexico than H1N1). Also, his comment makes no sense. Because they speak a similar language? That’s like saying, “I love Britain, because my song was a number one hit in Edmonton, Alberta.” But whatever, everything about Wes is a non-sequitor. He mentions he knows nothing about the music scene in Spain, which is not surprising. Not one person in the audience thought that he might. He knows only about the music scene in Austin, Texas, which is why — later in the date — when Jillian asks if he would move to Vancouver for her, he looks at her blankly and says, “Um, that would be crazy.” By now we know that Wes is getting the crazy eyes of a fox in a leg-hold trap from which he can’t escape. In spite of EVERYTHING, including his asinine behaviour and random insults he throws at her on this date, she still appears to be taking their “relationship” seriously. He starts to chew off his own leg, by which I mean he explains painstakingly how his manager got him on the show for the publicity and then he thought it would be good publicity and then he sang to her and then he duped her into putting his band on TV, too, and now he wants to go home to his girlfriend, Laurel. Jillian, who seems unable to hear anything he says, gets teary and says something ludicrous like, “What if I pick you at the end? How will it work?” Wes, his eyes rolling in panic, explains that “It just will”, which means “WTF are you talking about? Why would you pick me?” He explains again about his “career”. She explains again about how she’s looking for love. He explains AGAIN about how he has to look after himself, “I have to be true to myself, take care of numero uno”, he says. Jillian finally seems to twig. Wait, he is NOT THERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS! Tearfully, she walks him to a cab after turning down his generous offer to have sex with her anyway. “I feel sorry for him,” she says. Really? Why? Because he is a douchebag? I wouldn’t waste my time, if I were you. Instead, I’d be rolling on the floor, drowning in a pool of my own embarrassment because that is how I am. I’m embarrassed by how embarrassed I feel for Jillian, that’s how embarrassing the whole debacle has been. Good bye, Wes. I can only hope that after watching this trainwreck, in which you blatantly used someone else to get ahead and then laughed at them behind their back to the camera the entire time, that Laurel dumps you, too. Enjoy your future “success”! Which I suspect is going to have a lot to do with people calling you “that douchebag from TV”!

Which brings us thankfully to the rose ceremony, which lacks Chris Harrison. Maybe his contract says he doesn’t have to go to Europe. Too bad, that’s probably one of the best perks of hosting this show. In any event, Jillian has mugged an ostrich on her way to the event and is wearing its carcass as a dress. Bjork would be jealous, but the rest of us are just sort of stupefied. Mostly from the whole Wes date, but also because, wow, that dress is not good unless you are peforming in the Ice Capades and are playing the role of Wilma Flinstone. Kiptyn murmurs to the other guys that if he goes home, he hopes the others will “keep it real”, whatever that means. But it doesn’t matter what that means, because Wes turns around and says, “If I go home, just know that I’ll be having lots and lots of sex.” Uh, wha_? With … yourself? Reid nearly chokes on his own vomit, which makes me like him more again, because seriously Wes, we already hate you, you don’t have to continue to perform. Jillian doles out the roses predictably and Wes does not get one, but we knew he wouldn’t because there was just no way. Then I nearly choke on MY own vomit when she holds his hand as she walks him to the car. Why, Jillian, why? She should have just not given him a rose and then given him the cold-shoulder and perhaps made a snide remark about his number one hit in Mexico, as that is what I would have done, but maybe I’m more practiced in all things snide than Jillian is. It’s possible. Instead, she cried. That was not a feather falling from her bizarrely ugly dress, that was, in fact, her last tiny scrap of self-respect. I hope that later she pretends she was crying because she had something in her eye or just heard that her dog died. Crying over Wes is like — I don’t know a clever way to say it, so I’ll just come right out and be honest — it’s ludicrous.

In the limo, Wes rabbits on painfully about how happy he is to be able to stop acting, and how he’s going to cut off the chains (which he snips at in a pantomime that demonstrates his poor acting skills, I can see why he’s relieved to stop) and really get some action. I think in some back corner of his brain — or even right up front where he does his serious thinking — he believes that his inexplicable popularity in Chihuahua is going to get him laid in Spain. Well, good luck with that Wes. And when I say “good luck”, what I mean is “I hope you get crotch rot and die alone and miserable after your band replaces you with a talented and nice frontman.” See, many country music stars have the reputation of being “nice”. Your manager might have suggested that if you’re going to “act” on The Bachelorette, you may have wanted to cultivate a similar reputation during your five minutes of fame. You know, for the sake of your “career”. Or not. Your call. I mean, just because there isn’t anyone who is reputed to be a total douchebag on top of the country charts in the US doesn’t mean that it couldn’t happen. Oh, look, is that a flying pig?

Next week… more overnight dates in romantic Hawaii! Wait, shouldn’t next week be the part where she takes them home to meet HER parents? Are they skipping that this season? What is going on here? It’s SO important that she meet Ed’s parents that she’s not sure she can get past the part where she didn’t, but her family? Not so much? Oh, the hypocricy.

I suppose that explains why the “fantasy suite” dates all were a big N-O, this week. Because next week, we have the chance to do it all again! And next week, maybe someone WILL be impotent. Stay tuned.

PS to Wes: Here’s the thing, dude, there IS such a thing as bad publicity. Ask Sarah Palin.

Filed under: The Bachelorette