I spuddle.

Oh, hometown week.   What joy you bring to my heart, except for the part where I’m so bored and annoyed with this season that what really brought joy to my heart was the Breyer’s Chocolate Cheesecake Ice Cream (which I finally found after going to four separate grocery stores) to eat while suffering through the travesty of another episode of Jillian, the Most Clueless Bachelorette Ever staring with googly eyes at Wes who is still so aroused about his musical future that he can not see anything except a picture of himself on his CD case.   I’m willing to bet that he couldn’t pick Jillian out of a line-up.   I’m just saying.   But again, I’m jumping ahead because that is what I do and it’s my blog, so why not?  I think we all know how this suspenseful hour (or two) is going to unfold:  a bunch of dates, then Wes acting abominably and congratulating himself on his own brilliance.

Onwards.   Our first home town date is in Philadelphia, which took me three tries to type correctly, no idea what is wrong with my brain-to-finger connection this morning but I did bend down to pick something up off the floor yesterday and have had a strange pulsing pressure in my head ever since which may or may not be an impending aneurysm that is manifesting in this difficulty with typing “Philadelphia” although I got it right that time so maybe I’ll live after all.    We can hope.   There is something off about Jillian’s date with Reid that I can’t pinpoint.   Perhaps it has to do with the inordinate amount of time she states how important it is that his parents like her, which comes off as insincere because of all the repetition and her facial expression when she says it.   And the way he says that if even ONE member of his family dislikes her, she’s out.   Also, I find it hard to believe Reid will last past this round of eliminations and as such find it hard to care about this date.   They meet in front of a famous landmark that I recognize although I don’t know what it is and Jillian makes her balloon-puncture squeeeee sound.    They hug and drink coffee from paper cups, which materialized out of nowhere, and then they see the sights.   Jillian realizes that she could LIVE in Philadelphia!   She could!   She is so surprised by this that I wonder if she’d confused Philadelphia with, say, Darfur.   People LIVE there!   It’s civilized!   She could live there, TOO!   Then it’s on to the real fun.  Reid’s parents live in a nice house, very classic brick and I love the black door.   They obviously have a few dollars although I have no idea how much real estate is in Philly.  Most of what happens here is painfully predictable, Reid doesn’t want to get hurt, Jillian doesn’t want to get hurt, they both don’t want to get hurt!   They have this in common!   No one wants to get hurt!   Reid’s parents don’t want him to get hurt!   Then his brothers offer up this fascinating tidbit, something like, “Reid has no problem getting girls, it’s just that after a while they just… disappear.”   Maybe this clip should be saved for a future episode of America’s Most Wanted.   It’s either heartening (or just straight up naive) how hopeful and optimistic Reid’s parents are that Jillian might be The One to turn Reid from a neurotic mess to a normal human with children and a wedding ring.   Do they not know that she is also seriously dating at least four other men?   Does this not concern them?  Because, frankly, I’m not so sure that neurotic Reid can deal.   But are they worried?   No, apparently not.   As hometown dates go, this may have been The Most Boring and Predictable Hometown Date Ever.   I found myself  hoping a dove would suddenly commit suicide and there would be some kind of burial ceremony in the backyard.   Near desperate for it, in fact.   Didn’t happen.

Luckily with five hometown dates to squeeze into two long hours, we were quickly whisked away from Reid and the pretty house of his family and taken to Astoria, NY to meet Breakdancing Michael’s family.   They also have a pretty swish house.   I suspect that although he’s a “breakdancing instructor, Brooklyn NY” he probably also had a “posh education and a future entry into Yale”.   I could be wrong, but that’s the vibe I got from the pale blue button downs and the well-kept lawn and casual elegance of the Stag fam.   I call them that because, dude, that’s how they talk.   Don’t get me wrong, I love the Perky Puppy and his whole Perky Family.   I do.  I just really hope Jillian cuts him though because I don’t want her to kill his childlike enthusiasm for EVERYTHING with her dour, sobbing countenance in the long haul.   It would be all wrong, like mating a chihauhau with, I don’t know, something overly serious and frowny faced and self-involved and not fun.   Such as a… I don’t know… [Insert animal with those qualities of your choosing here].   There is a bunch of dancing, which is of course what everyone does regularly after dinner on this show, and laughing and even Serious Jillian manages to look like she’s having some sort of authentically fun experience.   Michael has an adorable twin brother and they adorably pull the “twin trick” which Jillian does not fall for, which is a relief.   (I suspect if Jillian had a twin, one bachelor in particular  would easily be tricked.   Or even if she had a friend who was vaguely similar looking.)   Even more entertaining is Jillian explaining that the MOST IMPORTANT thing to her in a relationship is that her partner makes her laugh.   “I don’t know if that’s something everyone wants to do,” she adds.   No, no one else does!  Laughter sux!   Down with laughter!   I don’t know what it is but something about the way she announces these things makes me roll my eyes so vigorously that I’m still having trouble focussing them both at the same time so am typing this with only one eye open.    Eye strain, you know.    Jillian goes on to explain that she sees the good in everything AND has a good work ethic.   Er, OK.   No comment required from me there.   Michael’s sister makes a surprise appearance, which inexplicably makes him “nauseous”, then, like I said, there’s dancing.   Jillian loves his family because they are both “fun” AND “down to earth”.   In other words, as unique as Jillian herself.

But don’t buy them a wedding present yet, because we still have three more of these insufferable fun evenings to get through.    Next up, Kiptyn in beautiful San Diego.   It really is pretty there.   I like San Diego.    Jillian and Kiptyn share some wine on the beach and Jillian launches into a long thing that I don’t really catch about how you can be yourself around people you don’t like and around people you like, you can’t, but around Kiptyn, she can, you know?   No, I don’t know.   What?   But that’s a good match for Kiptyn, who can’t love a girl unless she loves him first or something like that, so yay, I guess.   They go to Kiptyn’s parent’s place and Jillian is intimidated because it’s nice, which is a bit peculiar as both Reid’s and Michael’s homes were not exactly boxes under the bridge.   But whatevs.   She’s daunted and they fuel this by “testing” her on which lasagna she prefers.   Question:  How could she get this wrong?   If she’d preferred the other one, it would still be HER preference, right?   I find the whole “test” thing loathsome and even Kiptyn has the good grace to sweat profusely.   They hilariously (actually, it is pretty funny) rope the hot tub off with police tape.   I guess they are (understandably) worried about a little soft porn action going down in their backyard, something that many parents would find nauseating, to say the least, and they did just eat, after all.   The rest of this date leaves me blank or maybe I blacked out and missed part of it.   Who knows?   And who cares?   Really?   Jillian is put in the hot-seat by Kiptyn’s mother who asks her impossible-to-answer questions and then tells her that her answers aren’t right.   As a mother-in-law, this woman would not be my A#1 choice, but Jillian likes the glamour that these people represent.   They speak French, after all, and have a nice house, which is something we know Jillian doesn’t care about but boy does she ever LIKE them.  (Yes, I know I do, too, but at least I’m honest about it.)  Kiptyn looks really really uncomfortable about all of it, which leads me to believe that he doesn’t actually like Jillian anymore and I’m not sure why not because he sure did before, and does it really matter?   No, decidedly not.

Moving on, we mosey on up the state to Jesse’s vineyard, which I suspect Jillian was imagining to be something like Mondavi and not like, you know, an actual farm with vines and a tractor.    She meets Jesse’s parents and his brother, with whom she has such instant chemistry that I became confused.    He looks like an overly-smiley 90′s grunge fan who ought to live in Seattle and serve up coffee, decidedly blonde and not her type, and yet… call me crazy, they were flirting more intensely than she EVER flirted with Jesse which — in combination with the fact that his vineyard is a field of actual grapes and not a Firestone-style estate — leads me to believe he will not be getting a rose.    Jesse’s brother nearly has a heart attack when Jesse tells him he wants babies in the next five years and then points out that he is mad jealous, dude, because frankly he wants to get into Jillian’s pants.   Maybe this vineyard is quite far from civilization.   The sense that I get is that Jacob hasn’t been this close to a woman in a very long time.    Jesse’s mother points out that Jesse is unique (like Jillian!) in that he takes a lot in by “seeing things”.   Wow, that IS radical.   Jacob points out that Jesse is an “emotional ice cube”, perhaps the final nail in the coffin of Jesse’s chances of marrying Jillian at the end of this fiasco.    Then there is some singing and dancing, combined, because don’t we all have a drumset in our living room?   No, we don’t.   Which is why we are not on TV, I suppose.  Jesse compares Jillian to a bottle of wine that you enjoy and then go back to years later to finish.   So, you just cork it half-way through and then don’t open it again for a decade?   What?   I think Jesse needs to go to wine school because I’m pretty sure you can’t re-cork wine and save it, much like you can’t re-cork Jillian and save her.   That sounded all wrong but I’m leaving it in because it makes as much (and as little) sense as anything anyone said on this date.

I typed a lot of notes in the next segment which I cannot bring myself to transcribe very thoroughly because frankly, I think Wes and Jillian at this point deserve to be together.   If they marry, I’ll buy them a nice teapot and send it on to them, along with a card wishing them a long and happy life together.   Then I’m going to get rich off a betting scheme in which we all guess how many days their “marriage” lasts.    Seriously, it’s just tiresome at this point.   Wes points out that he has a CD coming out soon and he’s excited.   Jillian says she really missed him and thinks she just really really totally connects with him and he “gets” her.   Wes says that he loves his music.   Jillian says she really really really likes him.   Wes says he’s a bad liar (true) and that he’s there for the right reasons (not true).   (Every time Wes lies, he blinks and looks down to the right.  That’s a “tell”, people.   Jillian obviously does not play poker, nor should she, because I’ve never seen anyone who is worse at spotting bluffs.)   Wes is excited to play some music for America.   Jillian is excited to be serenaded and to hear “her” song.   It makes her heart jump into her throat.   It made my dinner jump into my throat, or maybe it was that Chocolate Cheesecake Ice Cream which wasn’t, FYI, as good as it sounds.   Wes sings tunelessly some uninspired and painfully unoriginal ballad.   His band look embarrassed.   Jillian gropes Wes while he talks about how his career has already taken off and she’s welcome to get on the train with everyone else because TOOOT TOOOOOT the Wes Train is chugging its way to fame.   Yes, well, I’m not betting on it, although I could start a pool about that, too, and perhaps get rich, quick.

But wait!   What’s this?    A bird?   A plane?  A SUPERHERO?    No, it’s Jake, in uniform.  (Is he working?  Why is he in his uniform?  And why do pilots always have sunglasses hanging off their epaulets?)  He is here to Save Jillian!   Who he believes is just an “innocent girl looking for love”!   Er, I think she’s been around the block a few times, Jake.   Have you not SEEN her in a hot tub?   She ain’t so innocent.   But, whatever, he’s going to save her whether she wants to be saved or not, he’s kind of like a Christian who is determined to introduce you to Jesus even though you’ve already met him and you found him a bit crazy and, in fact, have filed a restraining order.   Jake is relentless in a similarly blind way.   Does she not want to be saved?   Does she not?  (No, she doesn’t, so no need to keep bludgeoning her with that giant red flag, she isn’t going to see it until she’s got a ring on her finger and he’s got another woman at the altar of Wes (not the actual wedding altar)). (What?) (I don’t know, either, I’m just typing on the fly.) (Not an actual fly, but meaning “off the cuff”.)   After a bunch of dialogue in which Jake repeatedly tells Jillian about Wes and Wes’ girlfriend, Laurel,  Jillian cries and then finds her way back to the safe Island of Denial where she likes to live.   Jake, realizing his trip was pointless (although he was working so it wasn’t a total loss), steals Jason Mesnick’s dramatic balcony sobbing body-heave, a move which made me hate him just a little bit.   Because guess who I hate?  That’s right, Jason Mesnick, the Most Insipid and Gutless Bachelor Ever.

Jillian and Wes have a few drinks (is it just me or is there a lot of drinking on this show?), Jillian meets Wes’ family, who are shocked that Jillian would think he might be dating “four or five or six” women simultaneously, which is a way of telling the truth and lying at the same time because actually, Mrs. Wes, Jillian was only concerned about the ONE OTHER WOMAN he is dating.   Laurel?  Remember her?  And how you had a plan that he’d be on the show to get publicity?   REMEMBER?   I notice how there is no dad present, probably because Real Men Do Not Lie To Advance Their Son’s Musical Career.     But don’t worry, Jillian is going to keep him around anyway because she LIKES HIM and has not read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You”.   Neither have I, but I think that she should.   Even just reading the title, perhaps sky-written by a passing plane, may help.

Jillian is exhausted.   After all, denying obvious facts can be tiring.   Her trip to Denial Island is proving to be a lot of work to sustain, what with saviours like Jake attempting to rip the blindfold from her eyes and drag her from its rocky shores.   She rests on the couch, just kind of sitting there, all made up and dressed prettily.   Sitting.   With the camera on her.  Just sitting.   Then she is SURPRISED!   BY A KNOCK AT THE DOOR!   Qu’est-ce que c’est?   What could it be?   Jillian feigns surprise to see… ED.   Ed, realizing the error of his ways (and having settled up with his boss about his time off) is back, and he wants Jillian.   Jillian pretends to be mad but really she’s thrilled because now that she’s gotten to know the others a bit more, she’s realized that Ed was actually a pretty solid bet.   She says he can come to the Rose Ceremony and he’s so grateful he trips over his own tongue repeating how he won’t let her down again.   Like, ever.   We know he’s going to get a rose, but then again, we (meaning “me”) also believed that Reid would not and look at that, he did.   I’m so relieved to be surprised that I almost like the show again.   She goes on to pick Kiptyn, Wes and Ed, all predictable picks and coincidentally also the most financially sound amongst them.   Jillian needs some new shoes, after all.   But don’t listen to me, I’m just hurt on behalf of Michael, who even in the throes of a painful rejection is puppily sweet about Jillian, even though she’s proving to be enormously annoying and I’d just like for one rejectee to say, “Actually, although I liked her at first, she began to grate after the first few episodes.”   Or maybe that’s just me.

Jillian’s red boots are from Aldo, by the way.   It’s the most common search term to hit this site after “is it safe to eat raw bacon” (answer:  no).

See you next week, in lovely SPAIN where there is architecture and stuff, which makes it like the Jillian of countries.   Totally unique, if exactly the same as everywhere/everyone else.   I’ll try to be less grumpy maybe or at least more tipsy.    TTFN.

Filed under: The Bachelorette