I spuddle.

If you know me at all, you know that my feet are a wreck.  An absolute, unfixable wreck, with high arches and a BUNION and a HAMMERTOE.   I’m using capitals, because I AM NOT ASHAMED!  Except I am.   It’s an exercise, people, stick with me.  I am attempting not to be repulsed by my own foot situation.   I also, for reasons unknown to me and medical science, have no pinkie toenail.   Well, I do, but it sticks straight up so I have to keep it entirely cut to the quick or else it’s a weapon, which may be handy come to think of it.   Recently my feet have deteriorated to the point where they both feel like I have stress fractures in them at all times even when I don’t, which makes me a barrel of laughs, if by “barrel of laughs”, I mean “cranky ogre when forced to stand on my feet for any length of time”.

But!  BUT.   Having wrecked feet that really only tolerate flip flops does not mean that I do not still love and desire shoes, specifically high heeled shoes that I cannot wear due to my damned ugly gnarly FEET.   Damn you, feet!

I give you six pairs of shoes that I would buy if I had, you know, real feet.   I’m sort of distracted because I’m simultaneously watching The Worst Movie of All Time, aka He’s Just Not That Into You.   Really?  Well, I’m Just Not Into This Movie.   Oh, you don’t know it?   That’s because you were smart enough not to select it from the list of possibilities on your pay-per-view options.   Seriously, Jennifer Aniston, you could get better parts than this travesty of insulting rubbish.   Insulting rubbish!  Argh!  The horror, the horror.

But, shoes.   Far be it from me to neglect my duties, even if I’m two days late.   I actually did buy one of these pairs of shoes because they are pretty comfortable, I think, or the write-up said they were and they combine many of my favourite qualities of a shoe for summer including cork wedge heels.   Love.   My favourite sandals have cork wedge heels but they are a size 7 and my feet are a size 8.   Obviously when I bought them I had low-blood sugar or unreasonably shrunken feet due to dehydration or cool temperatures or whatever else shrinks feet.

Without further ado, six shoes.   Well, twelve shoes really because I’m going to go ahead and assume you have two feet.   If you don’t, I’m sorry.   No insult intended.   Let’s just assume you’ll want either six or twelve, to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings.

1.  Clarks Artisan Anissa Cashmere Sandals

Well, hello sandals with lovely cork heels that are perfect, absolutely perfect, with jeans and a tank for summer.   Jump into my shopping cart, my pretties.   What?  You are on sale?  EVEN BETTER.    We’ll overlook for now the fact that I will probably wear you once and then weep salty tears of grief because you will hurt my feet.   For now, I love you.

2. JCrew Nottingham tall leather high-heel boots

OK, I confess, I have several pairs of boots that are similar to these but when scouring the internet for shoes that I like, my eyes are drawn to boots like sharks to chum or this really dislikeable character in this film to Scarlett Johanssen or whatever her name is.    The problem with these boots, if they are the same as their predecessors which I actually own, is that you need another person to pull them off when your feet start screaming for mercy.   And if you are alone, that can be complicated and can result in you lying on the floor weeping and laughing simultaneously because there you are, stuck in your boots.   It could happen.   In fact, it has.   But the boots are nice, no?

3.  Seriously, this movie makes all people look like assholes.   Men and women both, but particularly men.   What is UP with this?   Is it so hard to imagine that people could, say, just be honest with each other?   Why am I watching this tripe?   It’s insulting to ALL OF MANKIND.   And back to the shoes.

Nine West James peep toe pumps

I have zero occasions to wear these so I’m not going to buy them, but you should buy them because they are pretty.   I like grey, and soft dove grey like this says “I WEAR EXPENSIVE SHOES BECAUSE MY FEET ARE NOT THE MISERY OF MY LIFE.   I CELEBRATE MY FEET!”  And in all-caps like that, too.    Also when I was in grade 8, my sister had these flat heeled boots which for some reason we called “Peter Pan Getaway Boots” (does anyone else remember these?) and hers were grey and mine were big, clunky black ones which did not fit the category at all and ever since I’ve always felt a yearning for grey suede.   It doesn’t take much psychoanalysis to discover that this means that the term “Peter Pan Getaway Boots” should be removed hypnotically from everyone’s memory because, well, Whisky Tango Foxtrot?   It is impossible to utter that phrase, the one involving Peter Pan, without sounding like a jackass.   So, delete.   But not because then the few sentences that follow it would make no sense.   And I’m all about sense.

4.   I am actually struggling to find six pairs of shoes because I’ve just realized that since my feet became the bane of my existence, I’ve stopped looking longingly at shoes, period, and I don’t have a long covet-list of shoes I ogle until they go on sale and then don’t buy because by the time they go on sale I don’t covet them any more.   But I will find more.   For YOU.

Coclico Nappa in Black

These are like sandals, but not.   I don’t know what category into which they fall, but I wish my feet would accept them as outerwear such that I could just sit and occasionally look down at them and sigh and say, Hello, my pretties.   I talk like that a lot, to my shoes.   Which is better than talking that way to cats, if you think about it, because cats are scary and no one is afraid of SHOES.    Also, I do not have any cats and never, ever will.

Further research has revealed that all shoes made by Coclico are drop dead gorgeous and make me yearn for foot surgery such that I may wear and love them on a daily basis.   Hold me.

5. Just when I was running out of pretend shoe shopping energy, I found this site, called pedshoes.com and I’m pretty sure I like all shoes on this site, especially the Chie Mahara ones and the Cydwoq flat sandals, which I don’t have room for on my list, but check them out and if you have the extra $, you should buy them, especially the ones called “Danger” because CUTE.

Oh, sweet shoes.  Check these out:

Chie Mahara Jane Heel

I would wear these while sipping cafe au lait at a sidewalk cafe in Paris, or in 1930 in a movie that I star in, in my imagination.   Vintage awesomeness.    I would get these if I were you or even if I had a job in an office somewhere that dictated that I not wear flip flops daily.

6.  Chie Mihara Enko

I just like the green and the brown.   It says “Fall” and I don’t know why I think that shoes that say “Fall” are attractive right now but maybe it’s because the weather is such crap at least we should be able to wear fall clothes.   Not that I prefer fall clothes to summer clothes, because I don’t, but damn it, weather, you could warm up a bit, no?

Believe it or not, the movie is still carrying on in the background and it’s actually embarrassing to watch, I feel embarrassed to be watching it and for everyone that is in it.   Why is pop culture so depressing?   Why was this movie made?   Why?  Oh WHY?

But look, it’s still just barely Saturday, so Six Thing Saturday didn’t miss the mark.   Look at me!  I made a deadline!

Filed under: Five Thing Friday