I spuddle.

If you do not know me in real life or on Twitter or Facebook or from my books, you probably landed on this site by searching either “Where did Jillian Harris get those red boots?” (Answer:  I have no idea.) or, more probably, “Is it safe to eat raw bacon?” (Answer:  No.)   Today I am doing a bonus post even though it is Friday night and I’m exhausted because I randomly walked ALL day (and by that I don’t mean I walked instead of drove when I went somewhere, I mean I inadvertently spent the entire day on my flip-flop wearing feet, walking, and I have blisters between my big toe and next toe over – index toe? – and on the soles of my feet) and am really ready to crawl into bed with my toddler after having a nice big glass of extra-fat milk because I’m thirsty and I really believe that eating (or in this case drinking) naturally high fat food keeps you thin and lubricates your brain.   I just do.   Give me a glass of skim milk and I’m five pounds heavier by morning probably because skim milk is so inherently unsatisfying I have to follow it up with a loaf of toast slathered in a pound of butter.   And also peanut butter, for good measure.    I read somewhere that fats lubricate your brain and I can’t remember where I read that or why your brain would require lubrication in the first place, it’s hardly like it’s a gate-hinge that squeaks, but I like to say that when people raise their eyebrows when I demand an EXTRA FAT LATTE at the coffee shop.   (I shout it, too, which is why I employ caps.   I’m like, “GIVE ME AN EXTRA FAT LATTE AND DON’T YOU DARE CHALLENGE THAT OR I WILL BORE YOU WITH TALK OF HOW FAT ROOLZ.”)

But I digress because that is what I do.   I am here to answer a question that you didn’t actually mean to ask me, but you did by searching it on Google and landing here on ispuddle.com where you were treated to a list of five (OK, six) dresses.   And then you were like, “What?  What does that have to do with bacon?  None of these dresses are made of bacon!  Who cares about dresses?   We are a meat-eating people!   We care only about highly processed pig products!  What is a dress?”  And you were right to be alarmed.   Sometimes I talk of other things.   I’m sorry.   Your question, and I can’t believe you asked Google this question but then I’m always surprised what people are willing to ask Google, was “Is it safe to eat green bacon?”

Answer:   NO.   NO NO NO, a thousand times NO.   For the love of Pete, Mike, the Lord, and all things holy, unholy, in purgatory, and your mother, NO.   I can’t believe you had to ask.   I really can’t.  Do you eat mouldy bread?   Sour milk?   Rotten cheese?   WHY WOULD YOU HAVE TO ASK?   Green meat will almost surely make you sick.   Unless you want to be sickened by your cured meat so you can get in on a class action suit against Maple Leaf, put the package of crap down, and by “down”, I mean “into the trash”.   If you eat it, you may get a settlement of $50 from the purveyor of the meat, but I’m telling you, it’s probably not worth it.   I am a so-called expert (i.e. I call myself one) on food poisoning having almost died once from salmonella and having almost wanted to die from campylobacter (both from restaurant meals, FYI).   You do NOT want these things unless it’s urgent that you lose twenty pounds in three days mostly through your bum while you scream, “KILL ME NOW I CANNOT TAKE IT FOR ONE MORE MINUTE ARGH ARGH ARGHHHHH, I WONDER IF MY OLD JEANS WILL FIT ME NOW?”  Then the person in the next bed will shout, “SHUT UP, WE’RE ALL SICK YOU WHINER!” And you’ll be all surprised that a ninety-year-old woman is capable of such vitriole.    Also, I will tell you that being stuck in ER for four days with food poisoning of any variety when there is but ONE BATHROOM for all the hundred or so patients to share is about as fun as it sounds, which is to say, NOT FUN AT ALL.   Especially when you are also pregnant.    Keep this in mind as you contemplate just how strong, exactly, your meat craving actually is vs. your desire to not flash your bum to a waiting room of drunk people at 3:00 a.m. on  Friday as you desperately try not to poop on the floor.   Because while wearing a backless gown in a crowd is undignified, an actual public poop may be something from which you never recover.

Do not eat the green bacon.   THROW IT AWAY.

For a more technical answer, I will say with scientific certainty that green meat is guaranteed to be infested with bacteria (probably listeria, but not definitely) which is why it is GREEN and not MEAT COLOURED.

Now I’m going to bed.   I hope I don’t have bad dreams about green meat.   Then I might be cross with you and you wouldn’t like me when I’m cross.

Speaking of dreams, a few weeks ago I had a dream that my husband had to have an emergency vasectomy and afterward he wasn’t allowed to drive or walk so we had to rollerblade to the bus stop to take the bus home from the hospital only he didn’t know how to rollerlbade and he kept careening off moving cars and trucks and bicycles and a woman rolled down her window and shouted at him, so I stage-whispered, “HE HAD AN EMERGENCY VASECTOMY!” and she stopped shouting, gave him a sympathetic half-smile, and carried on.    That dream had nothing to do with green meat, I realize, but I suddenly remembered it and wanted to put it on record because it was really a pretty great dream.   He had to wear knee pads and elbow pads and the kind of roller-derby costume popular in 1970s blaxploitation films.   Awesome.

Happy dreams, peeps.

Filed under: Answers To Questions You Didn't Actually Ask